Since you alone are responsible for your thoughts, only you can change them.
You will want to change them when you realize that each thought creates according to its own nature. Remember that the law works at all times and that you are always demonstrating
according to the kind of thoughts you habitually entertain. Therefore, start now to think only those thoughts that will bring you health and happiness."

~  Paramahansa Yogananda

Fear & Loathing

I once read that your life, as it is in this moment, is the direct result of all your previous actions. It is a simple yet powerful truth. Everything I have done until this moment in time is what has created and nurtured this moment. No matter what area I look at my weight, my income, where I live, my friends, etc., it's a result of my previous actions. Being unhappy within this moment requires that I change within this moment. So many of my issues have been born of my fears. This has caused me to become self-centered, controlling and tightfisted with my life. I tell myself that my choices are made in the moment. The truth is they are calculated to protect me. My life is weighted down with things. They pack my apartment. Which means I can’t accommodate visitors nor do I have the space to entertain. By creating a situation where someone can’t come over I maintain control via a preemptory refusal. My fear is that no one would want to visit or spend time with me. Thus I protect my feelings at any cost. Actions based in fear will never yield happiness. Actions must be based in love, love of God, myself and so on in order to achieve the happiness my heart so desires.


Miracles & Blessings

Just Me...

I am STRONG because I've been weak, I am BEAUTIFUL because I know my flaws, I am a LOVER because I'm a fighter, I am FEARLESS because I've been afraid, I am WISE because I've been foolish, and I can LAUGH because I've known sadness!!"

~    Unknown

And So It Goes...

I have a group of friends affectionately known as The Fantanas. One said to me recently that dating is a numbers game. "Look at it this way...these are all practice dates so when Mr. Right comes along you'll be able to tell and be a pro at the first date"

  The past couple of days I've received several texts from D.  I had not heard from him in over a week and said so. He seemed to be under the misconception that he had been in contact with me...O Rly? That conversation ended in a stalemate. The next day he sent me a duplicate text which actually said "duplicate".  Dude....Really? I just couldn't respond. Today I get a text informing me of text to be sent later informing me if he "feels" up to getting together. Again, Dude... Really? I mean... Really? I don't hear from him again until 1:30am  What is that? I know it's not me.

I am clear this is strange behavior. No matter what may be going on in someone's life this is bull. I keep thinking back to what I've been told many times "everything is practice for the real thing".  I have heard it repeated in many different forms over and over again from many different people. I have been blessed with meeting many different men over the past several months. I'm just going to enjoy the ride for now...whatever happens...happens.

Flowers or Weeds?

"My mind is a garden... My thoughts are the seeds... My harvest will either be Flowers or Weeds" I do not know who wrote that but it is the gospel truth. Right now My garden is all weeds but I can change that. With 2009 coming to an end I have a lot of soul searching to do. Some changes I've made will be permanent and new changes are forthcoming. It's time to look at those around me in the cold light of day and what their actions have been. More importantly, time to look at my own inaction. I need 2010 to be a banner year and I will do whatever it takes to make that happened. No matter how ruthless that may be...

Fiending For That Creamy Crack

I have decided to go natural. As an African American women this is a major decision. This is no small part due to Chris Rock's documentary Good Hair. I have gone natural in the past but I shaved all my hair off. This time I'm growing it out. Feeling my roots is difficult. I keep expecting the hair police to hand me a summons. I do intend to keep coloring my hair, maybe even a little lighter. Saying goodbye to the creamy crack (relaxer). will be difficult. However, it's just one of the many changes I'm making in my life. ....just breath.....

Things Happen

So Thursday was very tumultuous for me. That evening I had planned on taking a sleeping pill, along with a hot cup of tea and going straight to bed. Around 12:30 F. called to give me an update on a mutual acquaintance who was going through a crisis. While I was speaking with him D. called. Of course I immediately hung on on F. to speak with D.

He was driving through my area and wanted to stop. He ask what I was doing and if I could meet him. I had on my PJ's but I said "yes". We met at the Diner a few blocks over. After talking for awhile he told me how sleepy he was and need to sleep for about an hour. The idea of him coming to my home was not even a possibility. We sat in the car and talked for awhile longer. He kissed me and laid his head on my breast and fell asleep. I don't know why but for some reason this touched me. I guess because I could never trust someone I don't know enough to fall asleep in their presences. Eventually he asked if their was a hotel nearby where he could get a few hours sleep...and if I would go with him. I did.

I really had not planned to be intimate with him but then again maybe I did. When we got to the room he sat on bed and pulled me to him. It was so natural, as if it were suppose to be him. So I went with it. Well I would like to report that it was lovely but here's where I have to honest. I have not had sex in 12 years. Yes, it seems ridiculous yet..it's oh so true. Despite what people say it is not like riding a bike. Unless your riding a bike with no seat!

It had been way tooooo long since I did it and it hurt like hell. Yes Virgina you can become a virgin again! He needed two shoe horns and a can of WD-40 to get up in there.We did everything... and I mean everything. (Hangs head in shame) I don't know what the hell all this talk about erectile dysfunction is about but it was not a problem for him! After what seemed like forever (lol) it was over. He went to sleep holding me and holding my hand. It was so very sweet. Several hours later I inched out to go to the bathroom, recover my panties and possibly my pride. When I returned he was awake and round two began.

He was very, very good. However I had to come home and take a Moltrin! I don't think I could have chosen anyone better to reintroduce me into the sins of the flesh. The best part... I feel relaxed about him and the situation. I'm not knotted up about it. I'm not stressing it. Whatever happens will happen and that's just fine. ;-)

New Beginnings

New month and a fresh start! I have to start focusing on other things. Number one being my career. Instead of spending my time in chat-rooms and worrying about meeting someone. My dear friend did light a fire under me on Saturday. I am truly thankful for her efforts. Time I would have spent avoiding what needed to done I spent getting things done! There is so much I need to accomplish. It is now week 76 for my plan. I have got to git er done! All my ideas have to come to fruition.

Speaking Truth To Power...

Why is it so difficult to so say the things that need to be said? Last weekend I went to a party and met a guy. Good looking, sexy, great kisser! I will admit he had me feeling some type of way. The best part was ole boy was there. Perfect! Anywho, new guy seemed very nice. We made out like crazy during the party. I'm becoming an excellent warning when I was once such a shining example.  It seemed like a good idea at the time but now he seems to think I'm ready to have sex with him. Did I lead him on? Why can't you have a perfectly good make out session and leave it there? He invited himself to my home yesterday. When I said I would rather meet him somewhere he became defensive. WHY PEOPLE!!! This is all I want to know? Why does any kind of contact with a man make them think it's an invitation to your vagina? I swear I feel like 'm holding onto the last piece of chicken at an NAACP convention. I ask myself why I keep holding out... The truth is I don't want to be left alone in the wet spot. I don't want too separate my feelings. I want all of me to be fully present. That can't happened with a shadow of a man. My loneliness is palpable, my heart is tender. But I could not say any of that. I'm feeling all my emotions and in the end that's a good thing. Why do I have to be sorry I'm not ready to have someone in my home? in my bed? center square in my life without them having earned that position? Why can't I just say that and not be considered a bitch...

Sooooo Big....

My Mom had a plaque on the side of our fridge for years. It read "Lord the ocean is  so wide and my boat is so small". When you see something day in and day out over many years it becomes a part of you. As a young person I never really thought about it. Now I find the sentiment returns to me often. The ocean of life is so wide and I am so small. Life can be so scary and our need to be safe so desperate. We remain trapped in our small, safe, little lives. Maybe it's not happiness but there is such a high comfort level in knowing that things are the same day in and day out. To break from that seems next to impossible. I also at age 48 realize my limitations. There are so many things outside my range of possibilities. Accepting this it is difficult. No matter what I will never have the skin I had at twenty. The figure I had at twenty-two. I do realize that life is a trade off. I've also gained the ability to be comfortable in my skin and to love myself unconditionally. In the end I've gained so much more then I've lost. Thank-you God...

Geez Louise...

Well, I guess I have not been abused enough. Yesterday and today were just aulful. My back is all jacked up. I feel like someone pounded me...and not in a good way. I was barely able to sit through getting my hair done...the horror! After, I dragged myself through the grocery store. Some guy tried to hit on me in the store? WTF? I can hardly walk and this is what you find attractive!?! I guess this is why I'm alone.

I spent today with my heating pad and my Moltrin. I was just starting to feel better when BLAM Satan hit's me with a side blow. My stalker decides to call. I don't need this right now! The cliff notes version of this is: I responded to an article in Allure magazine about breast size. Of course they printed my name, city and state as is always done with letters to the editor. This guy decides he wants to get to know me and my breasts. I told him if he continued to call this would become a police matter. He stopped but now it looks like he's back. REALLY? I mean REALLY? Who does this?

Anywho, I've decided I cannot sleep with "F".  He's hiding something I don't know what it is or why. It makes me nervous. We are not in a relationship and you've made your feeling about that clear. Why lie? Why over explain and account for your whereabouts? IDK

Well... Then... I go onto the devils worksite, facebook and "He" is online. I IM...nothing heavy...just being friendly. I had sent him a video and he says "so it made you think of me huh"? I say "well I think of you anyway but this really made me think of you".... he says "un huh" and logs off... never to be seen again? WTF? This is a grown azz  man! It can't be that serious! I'm starting to think maybe I should be by myself...

I had stopped dating because I was unsure of ability to make good choices. Clearly I still suffer from the same affliction. Well... Tomorrow is another day. :-)

Here We Go...

In 79 weeks I will be 50 years old. I want my life to be very different then what it is today.  It so easy to become comfortable with unhappiness. We find ways to make it "OK". We try to convince ourselves there is nothing wrong with our day too day lives all the while knowing there is a deep yearning inside of us. Something struggle to reach the surface of our consciousness. I need to let that break through in my life. Like the lotus bloom pushing it ways through the muck and struggling to break the surface water.

But Why?

In my heart I know that God never closes one door without opening another. In my life I want to whine "but why". Why can't things and people just be the way we want them without complications. Why can't I just have what I want? I feel like a 5 year old in the midst of a temper tantrum. the funny thing is that I know some of the things I want are not good for me. I know I should walk away and be thankful I didn't get caught up. But it's hard to have faith that something better will come along. I am loathed to admit I feel bruised that "he" was not interested in me the way I was in him. I really wanted that. But here are the questions that need answers at the heart of it.  Can you really get something started with someone who:

1) thinks your capable of setting them up?

2) indulges in drugs and alcohol on the regular?

3) with a young child who's grandmother seems like more of a parental figure then his father?

4) sends up numerous little red flags during conversations?

I guess the real question is: Do I really have time to waste bemoaning what could have been... wondering why he did not like me? In the end it could be 1 or 100 reasons why... and none of them are really about me.  I took a chance... Spun the wheel... I didn't win... And that's OK. Time to let that one go.

Wish Upon A Star

I've always know on a cellular level what I've wanted in life. It's taken years to finally rise up inside of me. Even longer for the words to leave my lips. As a little girl I've always wanted to write. Always wanted to do something creative. Always wanted to do something to help others. I just never felt that I could. It does not matter what others see in you if you can't see it in yourself. A dear friend and I share a constant joke about our fear of success. God forbid things should work out and we could... dare I say it ...be happy. Well that would just be the end of civilization as we know it. How could life continue if both she and I were happy? Sometimes when I think about the possibility of achieving what I want I actually feel physically ill. Yet I have to go forward. I have to try. I have to give this all I have. I don't have time to waist. I have to make my dreams happen now. 

"If your only as sick as your secrets than I am incredibly healthy"

~ Carrie Fisher on The View 10-01-2009

When You Wish Upon A Star.....

Looking For A Feeling...

Right now I really, really, really want to get high. Not just high but blitzed, bombed, zooted. I want that purple haze. I want to get caught up in it. Feel the music pulsate to the beat of my heart. I want to forget what is and remember what was. What I really want... is a feeling. I want to feel good! Happy! Loved!
I want to feel something different then what I'm feeling right now. Cause right now I feel the opposite of all that ish. Right now I feel lonely, ugly and undeserving. Problem is because I know I'm looking for a feeling I also know drugs and alcohol will not get me there. There is no magic pill for happiness. Even Prozac takes awhile to kick in. In the end I know the only way for me grow, the only way for me to become the women I want to be is to be still in my pain. To learn tolerance. Face it head on and know that it will pass. Sometimes it I feel naked and raw. I'm standing in the middle of storm and I want to let it take me....but I don't let go. 1 1000, 2 1000, 3 1000...breathe.  I won't let go....

A Boy Story

What can I say. We met at a party. When I first saw him... I saw everything I liked. We talked and exchanged information. He asked me out to dinner a week in advance. I looked forward to this meeting with...an-tic-i-pa-tion. He choose the restaurant, TGIFridays. Not what my inner princess was use to but I could live with it. We were suppose to meet at 8pm. He arrived at 7:30pm. I arrived at 8:30pm. This was the first flag. Who arrives early? WTF? AND to TGIFridays? Spare me. Things deteriorated from there. He seemed to be annoyed through out the date and I really wanted to leave. Our Table sat four. Instead of sitting across from me he choose to sit catty-cornered. I stuck it out if only for the practice. (Deep breaths...Ou~Sau) When we left the restaurant we walked out at the same time but not really together. He asked what I'd be doing around 2am? "Sleeping why" I responded. He said he had to work that night but thought he could swing by my place on his break. Ninja please!


Well after discussing this with "The Girls" I pretty much wrote him off. Pretty much...but not totally. Over the next several weeks he called me daily. Made me laugh and in a way kept me company. We met for breakfast. This went much better then dinner. We continued to talk on the phone and to my surprise we've become friends. Saturday, after "HE" disappointed me. I decided to go out to a party. He was there. We laughed and talked and overall had a good time. I didn't feel put upon but I felt...safe. When I left he walked me to my car and later called to make sure I arrived home safely. I needed that. Later Wednesday night after my phone conversation with "HIM" this one called me. He told me how beautiful I was. He said I always looked good and never seemed to have an off day. He said when he saw me at the party it made...his nature rise ((lol)). I soooo needed someone to say something like that to me. But of course I recognize game as game.


One of "The Girls" said something to me that was spot on. If you've denied yourself something for a long time, like chocolate and then you have some it's sooooooo good. It seems like the best because you haven't had it for a long time. I haven't had any candy for a long time. So it makes sense it was so sweet to me. Maybe "HE" is the one...Maybe this one is the one... Maybe there is someone else I have yet to meet. There are many more flavors in the sweet-shop and I need to try a few more before I decided what to take home!

24 Hours Later...

Well this sucks. 24 hours later and I'm done. After yesterday's happiness my balloon has deflated. After our date my thoughts returned to him throughout the day and night. I told myself don't think about it. Don't get caught up but it felt so warm and I wanted it so much. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. He texted me this morning: "Good Morning! How are you today? I'm tired". To which I replied:  "Hey you! :-) I'm very good! you better drink a red bull and keep it moving! lol". I thought about him and that kiss for the next several minutes and decided to make a bold move. Eleven minutes later I sent: " Call me tonight when your done. I can't stop thinking about you".  Nine hours and twenty-four minutes later he called.  I was still excited (foolish girl). He told me he was very tired and proceeded to punctuate each sentence with a yawn, through-out the 26m 33s conversation. We talked about the mundane for the majority of time. Finally I said "Did you get my text? I thought about you all day". To which he replied "Well thank-you that's a nice compliment" WTF? Ninja I could get more enthusiasm from the guy who details my car! "so did you enjoy our time together yesterday" I say. He says "Yes, I did"...Well Alrighty Then... Soooo not wanting to stop at just a surface injury I pushed the knife deeper into my chest. I ask "So was I what you expected"? AND HE SAYS "I had no expectations...did I ever ask you what you look liked". There was a very pregnant pause, then he says "you gotta think about that for a minute huh". I said "No, I just thought you had something to add" Now I'm thinking let me end this conversation so I can apply some pressure to this wound. We say goodbye. I guess he's just not that into me. I can't play these reindeer games....back under the bridge with the rest of the trolls.

First Kiss

Today I met my husband. That sounds crazy! I am feeling things I have not felt in a long time. But I digress. When I started dating again I prayed that God would send me the man most devinely meant for me.  I did not and still don't want the decision to be mine. I've gone with my best choice in the past and it didn't really work out, to say the least. This time I want more then the physical and few things in common. I want an affinity, a  soft place too land, a bit of grace. Someone who respects my dignity as a women. A man who compliments my spirit. I want someone that after the unavoidable drama and messiness of life will still be there for the love. Someone who despite a difference of opinion will tread litely with my feelings. Someone who gets me and when he doesn't is OK with that.

After posting my profile online I received my fair share of hits. Most of which dead ended. My plan was to start with one site to get my feet wet. I then planned to jump to a larger more expansive site. Early on I received a hit from someone I found attractive. We chatted back and forth but eventually it fizzled out. I chalked it up to a lesson learned. Then a few weeks ago we chatted through IM. The conversation was quick and easy. We exchanged cell numbers and talked about getting together. Our conversations were so casual I told him if we had no chemistry I had friends I could introduce him to. We decided to do a group activity. I would bring a friend and so would he.

As the days past leading up to our meeting I found myself looking forward to it and I hoped he would like me.  We had planned to attend an outdoor event in my area. The morning of I conferred with my girlfriend on outfits to make sure we were not dressed the same. When I checked my phone I had a text from him saying "can't make it". My feelings were hurt. I spent the next hour on the phone with my girlfriend discussing men and the situation as well as texting updates to the girls. Hey, that's how we roll! He called in the midst of this. With my friend on the house phone I put him on speaker. He said his friend had backed out and he did not want to come alone. He went on to say he did not know what he'd be walking into and he didn't want to get jumped. WTF!?!?! I was quiet which he knew was a bad sign. We spoke briefly and I asked if he still wanted to meet me? He said yes. I told him I'd call him back. This led to another hour conversation and several more texts with the girls. Then I got mad.

I had to throw down the gauntlet. I would drive to him! Despite the protest of the girls I could not let this slight stand. Again with my girlfriend on my home phone I called him back from my cell and put him on speaker. I made my proposal. He said he would meet me in the middle. We talked and he said he had made the wrong decision and still wanted to meet up that day. I said "NO" it was too late. we would meet for lunch on Tuesday. He tried three times to change back to the original plan but I held fast. We talked the day before and of course the girls questioned if I should really go. But there was something about him. Something I wanted to know. I was...feeling him.

Well today was the BIG EVENT! I kept checking my phone expecting him to cancel but he didn't. We had plans to meet at noon. He was there at 11:30. When he got out of his car I liked what I saw and he seemed to like me. The place we met for lunch was so very cute! We sat at a table and the conversation was very easy. I had several wardrobe malfunctions (my boobs were falling out of my dress...Oh My). He seemed to enjoy the view but I was mortified! I enjoyed his company and when we finished he walked me to my car. We talked for a few more minutes and then he did something I loved. With one hand he pulled me toward him and with the other he tilted my face toward his and kissed me. It was so sweet and so sensual...then he stuck his tongue in my mouth! and tramp that I am...I accepted it. He actually gave me butterflies. I was 16 years old again. I wanted to go home and write his name inside little hearts all over my notebook. I wanted to see what my name looked liked with his. I realized I could sooooooooo fall in love with him.  Damn...

To Forgive Is Divine...

As children we learn forgiveness. That people are basically good. You must learn to forgive and hopefully forget. But what happens when you can't. I remember reading something about your heart being stronger at the broken places. It may be true but stronger does not mean better. I have been trying to forgive several family members for a very long time. I've asked God to lift this burden off me. When I am fully conscious and focused I'm able to take the higher ground. When I'm caught off guard my gut reaction goes right to hatred.

My Aunt, Uncle and their four children grew up around the block from me. As far back as I can remember our relationships have been fraught with abuses of one kind or another. Sexual abuse including rape. Physical abuse.  Psychological torture. The list goes on. Ironically one of my abusers is now a high profile Minister. I often wonder what people would think if they knew what he did to me and others. No need to worry about the bogey man or something under the bed. They were the real life monsters of my childhood. Yet as an only child I craved their attention, their affection, I wanted them to love me no matter what the price. As I grew older I found both my strength and my voice. I learned to fight back and rally against them.

By age 18 we moved and our contact lessened. Amazingly it would take almost another two decades before I could finally sever them from my life. Yet there was always a part of me that yearned for that idealized relationship I craved as a child. It's like looking at that Norman Rockwell painting "Freedom From Want" who doesn't want that feeling? Ultimately it's about being loved for who you are and maybe more importantly despite who your not.  Still the mention of their names cause my emotions to tangled like  snakes. I gird my loins at the possibility of be in their company.

Last year my Aunt (my Mothers Sister) passed away. I did not want to attend her funeral. Out of respect for my Mothers memory and caving to pressure from other family members I attended. Now my Uncle is doing poorly and he may die at any time. I want to say "good" but I will not. This tidbit was relayed with great concern to me by another family member. AND NOW WHAT!?! Aren't funerals about honoring the life of the deceased? Why should I pay homage to someone who abused me? Everything is not alright... In some ways I am still not all right.

So many times I hear myself say I'm tired. What I really mean is I'm tired of people trying to force me into the box they've checked for me. Tired of love given with conditions attached. Tired of not feeling worthy. Tired of repressing and depressing parts of myself to oblige others. Truth is  the person I really need to forgive is myself.

 

Love Sucks....

So Lovely To Meet You...

After several weeks I finally had a date with R. YEA!!! We agreed to meet at a lovely park half way between the two us. The day could not have been more perfect then if I designed it myself. He was driving a silver Cadillac Escalade ...Oh My! Now I think what you drive does make a statement and I was not sure that this was one I was interested in. No matter, I was going forward.

I wore a pretty but casual dove gray dress with a deep V neckline (had to make sure the girls looked good). I topped it off with yellow patient leather slides and a bucket bag of the same color and course D&G shades. I parked and he came over to great me. He was much better looking in person then in his photo. He was also heavier then his photo showed. We sat on bench and 'I" began to talk.

  Now, I sat with my body turned toward him. He sat with his body straight out in front, arms on the back of the bench and legs out in front of him. (not a good sign) I asked about his tattoos.... likes and dislikes.... movies.... books... even sports.... After about 20 minutes my efforts to keep up the conversation were becoming exhausting. I inquired about his plans for the rest of the day as I removed my keys from my handbag. Rising I told him it was very nice to meet him and started walking back toward the cars. I said "safe home". He said "talk to you soon". TALK ABOUT WHAT! Didn't we each just drive 30 minutes to sit in a park for 20 minutes with you barely talking? What else is there to say?


I felt somewhat dejected. I called a friend to rehash what had happened then I took myself to lunch. I sat outside a cafe with a glass of white sangria and let it go. I went into this knowing it would not happen immediately. I decided I would ask R. what he thought of me and our meeting. Here's the transcript:

 To R.
 It was nice to meet you yesterday. While there was no chemistry between us you do seem to be a very nice man. Your much more handsome in person then your pictures show. If possible I'd like to get some feedback. Any info would be appreciated!

Did I not look like my picture?
Dressed inappropriately?
Was I heavier then you anticipated?
Talk too much?
Not interesting?
Older then you thought?

Finding that someone is so difficult. It would help me to know what someone else thinks! Thanks in advance!

 To Me:

thank you for the compliment..you shouldn't be so critical of yourself and be happy who you are even if someone dont like you or not, asking all of these questions only opinions of one person and will vary from person to person..just be yourself

To R:

I think you misunderstood my inquiry. I don't suffer from low self-esteem nor do I justify  myself through someone else. I simply wanted feedback regarding our meeting. I believe we all have room for self-improvement and my skin is not so thin as to be bruised by an apathetic comment or response. Hell, even at a job you do an exit interview before you leave.

The questions I asked you were questions I've asked the other men I've dated. I think it's good to know how others perceive you. Sometimes you may be sending a message out to the world your not even aware of. I believe in being self-aware...but that's just me.

Best of luck to you Boo-Boo!

 

To Me:

ok..but you cant judge anybody on a first meeting, at least i don't

To R.:

I did not want you to judge me...nor did I judge you. I thought you were cool. You just did not seem interested when we met yesterday and that's fine.  I understand your a man of few words. I guess I should not have asked you... Anywho...I'm good. 

That was the last transmission before he went off into that good night...  Well dear friends there always tomorrow...(exits singing theme song to ANNE)

Being A Girl

Why is it so much harder and more expensive to be female. In this economy even cutting corners is not enough. Today I had a mani\pani $30.00 incls tip; eyebrow wax $10.00 incls tip; wash & set with blow out $25.00 incls tip equals $65.00 just to look presentable! Why oh why must beauty cost soooo much!

What is drama but life with the dull bits cut out.
Alfred Hitchcock

 

Just one of those days....

Sisterhood

January may be the beginning of a new year but there is something about September. The ending of summer and the promise of re-invigoration ahead. While my school days are far behind me I still think of September as a fresh start (minus paste & rubber glue). With that in mind I've started my search for funding, a job, some sort of income to keep me a float.

I received a letter that said as part of the stimulus package there was money available for schools and training. Looking to take advantage I went to social services today. There were two other women ahead of me. One was reserved, well put together, reading a magazine. The other.... well that was a different story. She appeared to have just been released from somewhere. She began talking to no one in particular about her children, their different fathers and how she was trying to get her life together. I was deeply engrossed in organizing the contents of my handbag.

The receptionist informed her she needed an appointment and would have to return. Well outrage does not begin to describe her reaction! I silently prayed I would not be hit with a flying object...not having health insurance and all. She left, only to return minutes later. She then began to spill all the sordid details of her life to the other women and myself. Why? I don't know. Clearly I was involved in the fine art of coin arrangement and the other women was engrossed in an article about orthotics.

She believed she was being treated unfairly. We as women have to stick together. We can't let the system take advantage of us. Of us? This chick would not have given me the time of day in an ordinary social setting. Unless it was to make fun of my shoes and\or handbag! Now that she's having a problem were all in it together. Yeah...Right I truly wish people would miss me with their pretense.

(I have to return for a follow-up appointment on the 8th...fingers crossed!)

Mother said there would be days like this....

Will dating be the death of me....

Jacked from reddit.com

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

I don't know who dragonfly is but truer words were never spoken.

I have miles to go before I rest...

I live across the street from my mistakes... next door to drama... downstairs from forgiveness... across the hall from laughter... in the same space with love...

Only God could have gotten me here.

Oy Vey... It's true! Some days it's not worth biting through the restraints. A friend called me today, very upset. Her mother had been arrested (yes, it does sound crazy). Apparently some gentleman did not see her for the delicate flower she is. He then attempted too trample through her garden...oh my! As any belle would do when the gates of her virtue are being assailed she fought back. Sadly, he was pummeled and was last seen heading toward the Medical Center. Once the boys in blue showed up they took her Mom into custody? I can only assume her resemblance to a prize fighter had something to do with it. Now she is my friend and I wanted to be sympathetic but I had to put a pillow to my face to keep from laughing in the phone. Oh well...the drama continues.

First Meeting...

I need a man...a boyfriend…an S/O! To that end I’ve joined the online dating community. After posting a photo and what I believed to be a very succinct description of who I am and what I’m looking for, I sat back and waited for eligible bachelor’s to flood into my e-mail. Well they flooded and they were eligible. However, I should have added desirable, verbal and forthright to the mix.

R. began flirting with me on said site. He’s tall, sexy, no kids but he is 14 years younger then me! (repeats to self…I am not a cougar). We e-mailed a few times and he asked for my telephone number, which of course I gave him. He didn’t call but we did continue to e-mail. About a week ago he invited me to lunch. We planned to meet yesterday and I was really looking forward to it. I had my hair and nails done and of course a cute outfit!

After checking my e-mail to see if something had change I headed out for the 30 minute drive to the meeting spot. I had selected a restaurant halfway between the two of us. First mistake was choosing a place I was not familiar with. The restaurant was closed for vacation the entire month of August! Some Nerve! I had gotten a parking space right in front and was congratulating myself until I noticed the large sign in the window. Reaching for my cell I realized I’d missed his call… DAMN. Allegedly he had just received a call informing him he had to start work early…allegedly.

There was no sense in wasting the parking space when I could idle at the curb for awhile and add to the carbon foot print. Sooo I began sending out texts to “the girls” (more about them later) regarding my, at least in my mind, horrific experience. Jeez Louise how did we date or do anything before cell-phones, blackberries, computers and debit cards? Well, the texts flew back and forth with the final consensus being…give the guy a second chance. I did call him back (9 hours later). I left a voice mail. He had suggested breakfast on Wednesday. I suggested we have a few phone conversations before making any additional plans.

I did call a second time today and he answered….surprise…surprise…surprise. We spoke for about 10 minutes. During which I asked about his interests ( movies, bowling, sports). He did not ask about mine. I asked about his experiences with online dating…to which he responded. “You have some crazy people and some good people and I’ve met both. Some want to play games, some are gold diggers and some are just plain crazy…you don’t know what your going to get until you actually meet them”. Again, he did not ask about my experiences. I wrapped up the call with “I hope to hear from you soon”. Now, I asked him about his experiences to gauge how girls he's dealing with. To my ear it sounds like it’s been quite a few. Obviously I was not on his “A” list and probably not his “B” list. He never actually called after asking for my number and it took several weeks to plan this meeting. I’m thinking I’m either on the “C” or (heaven forbid) THE D LIST (cue dramatic background music). Yes it does suck to think I might be so far down on the list. BUT I’m guessing his first choices, while shiny, were not gold. While the cream will always rise to the top…it does have to stand for awhile before it separates! Stay Tuned… MUAH!!!!

Jeez Louise...my first post! It's 2:14am and as usual I am awake. I don't know if it's a symptom of age or simply restlessness but I find it difficult to allow myself to sleep. This is the week I take up the gauntlet! I have at least one date planned. I will set aside time to write my book, etc. Ready...Set...Go!