Speaking Truth To Power...

Why is it so difficult to so say the things that need to be said? Last weekend I went to a party and met a guy. Good looking, sexy, great kisser! I will admit he had me feeling some type of way. The best part was ole boy was there. Perfect! Anywho, new guy seemed very nice. We made out like crazy during the party. I'm becoming an excellent warning when I was once such a shining example.  It seemed like a good idea at the time but now he seems to think I'm ready to have sex with him. Did I lead him on? Why can't you have a perfectly good make out session and leave it there? He invited himself to my home yesterday. When I said I would rather meet him somewhere he became defensive. WHY PEOPLE!!! This is all I want to know? Why does any kind of contact with a man make them think it's an invitation to your vagina? I swear I feel like 'm holding onto the last piece of chicken at an NAACP convention. I ask myself why I keep holding out... The truth is I don't want to be left alone in the wet spot. I don't want too separate my feelings. I want all of me to be fully present. That can't happened with a shadow of a man. My loneliness is palpable, my heart is tender. But I could not say any of that. I'm feeling all my emotions and in the end that's a good thing. Why do I have to be sorry I'm not ready to have someone in my home? in my bed? center square in my life without them having earned that position? Why can't I just say that and not be considered a bitch...

Sooooo Big....

My Mom had a plaque on the side of our fridge for years. It read "Lord the ocean is  so wide and my boat is so small". When you see something day in and day out over many years it becomes a part of you. As a young person I never really thought about it. Now I find the sentiment returns to me often. The ocean of life is so wide and I am so small. Life can be so scary and our need to be safe so desperate. We remain trapped in our small, safe, little lives. Maybe it's not happiness but there is such a high comfort level in knowing that things are the same day in and day out. To break from that seems next to impossible. I also at age 48 realize my limitations. There are so many things outside my range of possibilities. Accepting this it is difficult. No matter what I will never have the skin I had at twenty. The figure I had at twenty-two. I do realize that life is a trade off. I've also gained the ability to be comfortable in my skin and to love myself unconditionally. In the end I've gained so much more then I've lost. Thank-you God...

Geez Louise...

Well, I guess I have not been abused enough. Yesterday and today were just aulful. My back is all jacked up. I feel like someone pounded me...and not in a good way. I was barely able to sit through getting my hair done...the horror! After, I dragged myself through the grocery store. Some guy tried to hit on me in the store? WTF? I can hardly walk and this is what you find attractive!?! I guess this is why I'm alone.

I spent today with my heating pad and my Moltrin. I was just starting to feel better when BLAM Satan hit's me with a side blow. My stalker decides to call. I don't need this right now! The cliff notes version of this is: I responded to an article in Allure magazine about breast size. Of course they printed my name, city and state as is always done with letters to the editor. This guy decides he wants to get to know me and my breasts. I told him if he continued to call this would become a police matter. He stopped but now it looks like he's back. REALLY? I mean REALLY? Who does this?

Anywho, I've decided I cannot sleep with "F".  He's hiding something I don't know what it is or why. It makes me nervous. We are not in a relationship and you've made your feeling about that clear. Why lie? Why over explain and account for your whereabouts? IDK

Well... Then... I go onto the devils worksite, facebook and "He" is online. I IM...nothing heavy...just being friendly. I had sent him a video and he says "so it made you think of me huh"? I say "well I think of you anyway but this really made me think of you".... he says "un huh" and logs off... never to be seen again? WTF? This is a grown azz  man! It can't be that serious! I'm starting to think maybe I should be by myself...

I had stopped dating because I was unsure of ability to make good choices. Clearly I still suffer from the same affliction. Well... Tomorrow is another day. :-)

Here We Go...

In 79 weeks I will be 50 years old. I want my life to be very different then what it is today.  It so easy to become comfortable with unhappiness. We find ways to make it "OK". We try to convince ourselves there is nothing wrong with our day too day lives all the while knowing there is a deep yearning inside of us. Something struggle to reach the surface of our consciousness. I need to let that break through in my life. Like the lotus bloom pushing it ways through the muck and struggling to break the surface water.

But Why?

In my heart I know that God never closes one door without opening another. In my life I want to whine "but why". Why can't things and people just be the way we want them without complications. Why can't I just have what I want? I feel like a 5 year old in the midst of a temper tantrum. the funny thing is that I know some of the things I want are not good for me. I know I should walk away and be thankful I didn't get caught up. But it's hard to have faith that something better will come along. I am loathed to admit I feel bruised that "he" was not interested in me the way I was in him. I really wanted that. But here are the questions that need answers at the heart of it.  Can you really get something started with someone who:

1) thinks your capable of setting them up?

2) indulges in drugs and alcohol on the regular?

3) with a young child who's grandmother seems like more of a parental figure then his father?

4) sends up numerous little red flags during conversations?

I guess the real question is: Do I really have time to waste bemoaning what could have been... wondering why he did not like me? In the end it could be 1 or 100 reasons why... and none of them are really about me.  I took a chance... Spun the wheel... I didn't win... And that's OK. Time to let that one go.

Wish Upon A Star

I've always know on a cellular level what I've wanted in life. It's taken years to finally rise up inside of me. Even longer for the words to leave my lips. As a little girl I've always wanted to write. Always wanted to do something creative. Always wanted to do something to help others. I just never felt that I could. It does not matter what others see in you if you can't see it in yourself. A dear friend and I share a constant joke about our fear of success. God forbid things should work out and we could... dare I say it ...be happy. Well that would just be the end of civilization as we know it. How could life continue if both she and I were happy? Sometimes when I think about the possibility of achieving what I want I actually feel physically ill. Yet I have to go forward. I have to try. I have to give this all I have. I don't have time to waist. I have to make my dreams happen now. 

"If your only as sick as your secrets than I am incredibly healthy"

~ Carrie Fisher on The View 10-01-2009

When You Wish Upon A Star.....