Friday, September 25, 2009
Looking For A Feeling...
Right now I really, really, really want to get high. Not just high but blitzed, bombed, zooted. I want that purple haze. I want to get caught up in it. Feel the music pulsate to the beat of my heart. I want to forget what is and remember what was. What I really want... is a feeling. I want to feel good! Happy! Loved!
I want to feel something different then what I'm feeling right now. Cause right now I feel the opposite of all that ish. Right now I feel lonely, ugly and undeserving. Problem is because I know I'm looking for a feeling I also know drugs and alcohol will not get me there. There is no magic pill for happiness. Even Prozac takes awhile to kick in. In the end I know the only way for me grow, the only way for me to become the women I want to be is to be still in my pain. To learn tolerance. Face it head on and know that it will pass. Sometimes it I feel naked and raw. I'm standing in the middle of storm and I want to let it take me....but I don't let go. 1 1000, 2 1000, 3 1000...breathe. I won't let go....
I want to feel something different then what I'm feeling right now. Cause right now I feel the opposite of all that ish. Right now I feel lonely, ugly and undeserving. Problem is because I know I'm looking for a feeling I also know drugs and alcohol will not get me there. There is no magic pill for happiness. Even Prozac takes awhile to kick in. In the end I know the only way for me grow, the only way for me to become the women I want to be is to be still in my pain. To learn tolerance. Face it head on and know that it will pass. Sometimes it I feel naked and raw. I'm standing in the middle of storm and I want to let it take me....but I don't let go. 1 1000, 2 1000, 3 1000...breathe. I won't let go....
Friday, September 18, 2009
A Boy Story
What can I say. We met at a party. When I first saw him... I saw everything I liked. We talked and exchanged information. He asked me out to dinner a week in advance. I looked forward to this meeting with...an-tic-i-pa-tion. He choose the restaurant, TGIFridays. Not what my inner princess was use to but I could live with it. We were suppose to meet at 8pm. He arrived at 7:30pm. I arrived at 8:30pm. This was the first flag. Who arrives early? WTF? AND to TGIFridays? Spare me. Things deteriorated from there. He seemed to be annoyed through out the date and I really wanted to leave. Our Table sat four. Instead of sitting across from me he choose to sit catty-cornered. I stuck it out if only for the practice. (Deep breaths...Ou~Sau) When we left the restaurant we walked out at the same time but not really together. He asked what I'd be doing around 2am? "Sleeping why" I responded. He said he had to work that night but thought he could swing by my place on his break. Ninja please!
Well after discussing this with "The Girls" I pretty much wrote him off. Pretty much...but not totally. Over the next several weeks he called me daily. Made me laugh and in a way kept me company. We met for breakfast. This went much better then dinner. We continued to talk on the phone and to my surprise we've become friends. Saturday, after "HE" disappointed me. I decided to go out to a party. He was there. We laughed and talked and overall had a good time. I didn't feel put upon but I felt...safe. When I left he walked me to my car and later called to make sure I arrived home safely. I needed that. Later Wednesday night after my phone conversation with "HIM" this one called me. He told me how beautiful I was. He said I always looked good and never seemed to have an off day. He said when he saw me at the party it made...his nature rise ((lol)). I soooo needed someone to say something like that to me. But of course I recognize game as game.
One of "The Girls" said something to me that was spot on. If you've denied yourself something for a long time, like chocolate and then you have some it's sooooooo good. It seems like the best because you haven't had it for a long time. I haven't had any candy for a long time. So it makes sense it was so sweet to me. Maybe "HE" is the one...Maybe this one is the one... Maybe there is someone else I have yet to meet. There are many more flavors in the sweet-shop and I need to try a few more before I decided what to take home!
Well after discussing this with "The Girls" I pretty much wrote him off. Pretty much...but not totally. Over the next several weeks he called me daily. Made me laugh and in a way kept me company. We met for breakfast. This went much better then dinner. We continued to talk on the phone and to my surprise we've become friends. Saturday, after "HE" disappointed me. I decided to go out to a party. He was there. We laughed and talked and overall had a good time. I didn't feel put upon but I felt...safe. When I left he walked me to my car and later called to make sure I arrived home safely. I needed that. Later Wednesday night after my phone conversation with "HIM" this one called me. He told me how beautiful I was. He said I always looked good and never seemed to have an off day. He said when he saw me at the party it made...his nature rise ((lol)). I soooo needed someone to say something like that to me. But of course I recognize game as game.
One of "The Girls" said something to me that was spot on. If you've denied yourself something for a long time, like chocolate and then you have some it's sooooooo good. It seems like the best because you haven't had it for a long time. I haven't had any candy for a long time. So it makes sense it was so sweet to me. Maybe "HE" is the one...Maybe this one is the one... Maybe there is someone else I have yet to meet. There are many more flavors in the sweet-shop and I need to try a few more before I decided what to take home!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
24 Hours Later...
Well this sucks. 24 hours later and I'm done. After yesterday's happiness my balloon has deflated. After our date my thoughts returned to him throughout the day and night. I told myself don't think about it. Don't get caught up but it felt so warm and I wanted it so much. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. He texted me this morning: "Good Morning! How are you today? I'm tired". To which I replied: "Hey you! :-) I'm very good! you better drink a red bull and keep it moving! lol". I thought about him and that kiss for the next several minutes and decided to make a bold move. Eleven minutes later I sent: " Call me tonight when your done. I can't stop thinking about you". Nine hours and twenty-four minutes later he called. I was still excited (foolish girl). He told me he was very tired and proceeded to punctuate each sentence with a yawn, through-out the 26m 33s conversation. We talked about the mundane for the majority of time. Finally I said "Did you get my text? I thought about you all day". To which he replied "Well thank-you that's a nice compliment" WTF? Ninja I could get more enthusiasm from the guy who details my car! "so did you enjoy our time together yesterday" I say. He says "Yes, I did"...Well Alrighty Then... Soooo not wanting to stop at just a surface injury I pushed the knife deeper into my chest. I ask "So was I what you expected"? AND HE SAYS "I had no expectations...did I ever ask you what you look liked". There was a very pregnant pause, then he says "you gotta think about that for a minute huh". I said "No, I just thought you had something to add" Now I'm thinking let me end this conversation so I can apply some pressure to this wound. We say goodbye. I guess he's just not that into me. I can't play these reindeer games....back under the bridge with the rest of the trolls.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
First Kiss
Today I met my husband. That sounds crazy! I am feeling things I have not felt in a long time. But I digress. When I started dating again I prayed that God would send me the man most devinely meant for me. I did not and still don't want the decision to be mine. I've gone with my best choice in the past and it didn't really work out, to say the least. This time I want more then the physical and few things in common. I want an affinity, a soft place too land, a bit of grace. Someone who respects my dignity as a women. A man who compliments my spirit. I want someone that after the unavoidable drama and messiness of life will still be there for the love. Someone who despite a difference of opinion will tread litely with my feelings. Someone who gets me and when he doesn't is OK with that.
After posting my profile online I received my fair share of hits. Most of which dead ended. My plan was to start with one site to get my feet wet. I then planned to jump to a larger more expansive site. Early on I received a hit from someone I found attractive. We chatted back and forth but eventually it fizzled out. I chalked it up to a lesson learned. Then a few weeks ago we chatted through IM. The conversation was quick and easy. We exchanged cell numbers and talked about getting together. Our conversations were so casual I told him if we had no chemistry I had friends I could introduce him to. We decided to do a group activity. I would bring a friend and so would he.
As the days past leading up to our meeting I found myself looking forward to it and I hoped he would like me. We had planned to attend an outdoor event in my area. The morning of I conferred with my girlfriend on outfits to make sure we were not dressed the same. When I checked my phone I had a text from him saying "can't make it". My feelings were hurt. I spent the next hour on the phone with my girlfriend discussing men and the situation as well as texting updates to the girls. Hey, that's how we roll! He called in the midst of this. With my friend on the house phone I put him on speaker. He said his friend had backed out and he did not want to come alone. He went on to say he did not know what he'd be walking into and he didn't want to get jumped. WTF!?!?! I was quiet which he knew was a bad sign. We spoke briefly and I asked if he still wanted to meet me? He said yes. I told him I'd call him back. This led to another hour conversation and several more texts with the girls. Then I got mad.
I had to throw down the gauntlet. I would drive to him! Despite the protest of the girls I could not let this slight stand. Again with my girlfriend on my home phone I called him back from my cell and put him on speaker. I made my proposal. He said he would meet me in the middle. We talked and he said he had made the wrong decision and still wanted to meet up that day. I said "NO" it was too late. we would meet for lunch on Tuesday. He tried three times to change back to the original plan but I held fast. We talked the day before and of course the girls questioned if I should really go. But there was something about him. Something I wanted to know. I was...feeling him.
Well today was the BIG EVENT! I kept checking my phone expecting him to cancel but he didn't. We had plans to meet at noon. He was there at 11:30. When he got out of his car I liked what I saw and he seemed to like me. The place we met for lunch was so very cute! We sat at a table and the conversation was very easy. I had several wardrobe malfunctions (my boobs were falling out of my dress...Oh My). He seemed to enjoy the view but I was mortified! I enjoyed his company and when we finished he walked me to my car. We talked for a few more minutes and then he did something I loved. With one hand he pulled me toward him and with the other he tilted my face toward his and kissed me. It was so sweet and so sensual...then he stuck his tongue in my mouth! and tramp that I am...I accepted it. He actually gave me butterflies. I was 16 years old again. I wanted to go home and write his name inside little hearts all over my notebook. I wanted to see what my name looked liked with his. I realized I could sooooooooo fall in love with him. Damn...
After posting my profile online I received my fair share of hits. Most of which dead ended. My plan was to start with one site to get my feet wet. I then planned to jump to a larger more expansive site. Early on I received a hit from someone I found attractive. We chatted back and forth but eventually it fizzled out. I chalked it up to a lesson learned. Then a few weeks ago we chatted through IM. The conversation was quick and easy. We exchanged cell numbers and talked about getting together. Our conversations were so casual I told him if we had no chemistry I had friends I could introduce him to. We decided to do a group activity. I would bring a friend and so would he.
As the days past leading up to our meeting I found myself looking forward to it and I hoped he would like me. We had planned to attend an outdoor event in my area. The morning of I conferred with my girlfriend on outfits to make sure we were not dressed the same. When I checked my phone I had a text from him saying "can't make it". My feelings were hurt. I spent the next hour on the phone with my girlfriend discussing men and the situation as well as texting updates to the girls. Hey, that's how we roll! He called in the midst of this. With my friend on the house phone I put him on speaker. He said his friend had backed out and he did not want to come alone. He went on to say he did not know what he'd be walking into and he didn't want to get jumped. WTF!?!?! I was quiet which he knew was a bad sign. We spoke briefly and I asked if he still wanted to meet me? He said yes. I told him I'd call him back. This led to another hour conversation and several more texts with the girls. Then I got mad.
I had to throw down the gauntlet. I would drive to him! Despite the protest of the girls I could not let this slight stand. Again with my girlfriend on my home phone I called him back from my cell and put him on speaker. I made my proposal. He said he would meet me in the middle. We talked and he said he had made the wrong decision and still wanted to meet up that day. I said "NO" it was too late. we would meet for lunch on Tuesday. He tried three times to change back to the original plan but I held fast. We talked the day before and of course the girls questioned if I should really go. But there was something about him. Something I wanted to know. I was...feeling him.
Well today was the BIG EVENT! I kept checking my phone expecting him to cancel but he didn't. We had plans to meet at noon. He was there at 11:30. When he got out of his car I liked what I saw and he seemed to like me. The place we met for lunch was so very cute! We sat at a table and the conversation was very easy. I had several wardrobe malfunctions (my boobs were falling out of my dress...Oh My). He seemed to enjoy the view but I was mortified! I enjoyed his company and when we finished he walked me to my car. We talked for a few more minutes and then he did something I loved. With one hand he pulled me toward him and with the other he tilted my face toward his and kissed me. It was so sweet and so sensual...then he stuck his tongue in my mouth! and tramp that I am...I accepted it. He actually gave me butterflies. I was 16 years old again. I wanted to go home and write his name inside little hearts all over my notebook. I wanted to see what my name looked liked with his. I realized I could sooooooooo fall in love with him. Damn...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
To Forgive Is Divine...
As children we learn forgiveness. That people are basically good. You must learn to forgive and hopefully forget. But what happens when you can't. I remember reading something about your heart being stronger at the broken places. It may be true but stronger does not mean better. I have been trying to forgive several family members for a very long time. I've asked God to lift this burden off me. When I am fully conscious and focused I'm able to take the higher ground. When I'm caught off guard my gut reaction goes right to hatred.
My Aunt, Uncle and their four children grew up around the block from me. As far back as I can remember our relationships have been fraught with abuses of one kind or another. Sexual abuse including rape. Physical abuse. Psychological torture. The list goes on. Ironically one of my abusers is now a high profile Minister. I often wonder what people would think if they knew what he did to me and others. No need to worry about the bogey man or something under the bed. They were the real life monsters of my childhood. Yet as an only child I craved their attention, their affection, I wanted them to love me no matter what the price. As I grew older I found both my strength and my voice. I learned to fight back and rally against them.
By age 18 we moved and our contact lessened. Amazingly it would take almost another two decades before I could finally sever them from my life. Yet there was always a part of me that yearned for that idealized relationship I craved as a child. It's like looking at that Norman Rockwell painting "Freedom From Want" who doesn't want that feeling? Ultimately it's about being loved for who you are and maybe more importantly despite who your not. Still the mention of their names cause my emotions to tangled like snakes. I gird my loins at the possibility of be in their company.
Last year my Aunt (my Mothers Sister) passed away. I did not want to attend her funeral. Out of respect for my Mothers memory and caving to pressure from other family members I attended. Now my Uncle is doing poorly and he may die at any time. I want to say "good" but I will not. This tidbit was relayed with great concern to me by another family member. AND NOW WHAT!?! Aren't funerals about honoring the life of the deceased? Why should I pay homage to someone who abused me? Everything is not alright... In some ways I am still not all right.
So many times I hear myself say I'm tired. What I really mean is I'm tired of people trying to force me into the box they've checked for me. Tired of love given with conditions attached. Tired of not feeling worthy. Tired of repressing and depressing parts of myself to oblige others. Truth is the person I really need to forgive is myself.
My Aunt, Uncle and their four children grew up around the block from me. As far back as I can remember our relationships have been fraught with abuses of one kind or another. Sexual abuse including rape. Physical abuse. Psychological torture. The list goes on. Ironically one of my abusers is now a high profile Minister. I often wonder what people would think if they knew what he did to me and others. No need to worry about the bogey man or something under the bed. They were the real life monsters of my childhood. Yet as an only child I craved their attention, their affection, I wanted them to love me no matter what the price. As I grew older I found both my strength and my voice. I learned to fight back and rally against them.
By age 18 we moved and our contact lessened. Amazingly it would take almost another two decades before I could finally sever them from my life. Yet there was always a part of me that yearned for that idealized relationship I craved as a child. It's like looking at that Norman Rockwell painting "Freedom From Want" who doesn't want that feeling? Ultimately it's about being loved for who you are and maybe more importantly despite who your not. Still the mention of their names cause my emotions to tangled like snakes. I gird my loins at the possibility of be in their company.
Last year my Aunt (my Mothers Sister) passed away. I did not want to attend her funeral. Out of respect for my Mothers memory and caving to pressure from other family members I attended. Now my Uncle is doing poorly and he may die at any time. I want to say "good" but I will not. This tidbit was relayed with great concern to me by another family member. AND NOW WHAT!?! Aren't funerals about honoring the life of the deceased? Why should I pay homage to someone who abused me? Everything is not alright... In some ways I am still not all right.
So many times I hear myself say I'm tired. What I really mean is I'm tired of people trying to force me into the box they've checked for me. Tired of love given with conditions attached. Tired of not feeling worthy. Tired of repressing and depressing parts of myself to oblige others. Truth is the person I really need to forgive is myself.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
So Lovely To Meet You...
After several weeks I finally had a date with R. YEA!!! We agreed to meet at a lovely park half way between the two us. The day could not have been more perfect then if I designed it myself. He was driving a silver Cadillac Escalade ...Oh My! Now I think what you drive does make a statement and I was not sure that this was one I was interested in. No matter, I was going forward.
I wore a pretty but casual dove gray dress with a deep V neckline (had to make sure the girls looked good). I topped it off with yellow patient leather slides and a bucket bag of the same color and course D&G shades. I parked and he came over to great me. He was much better looking in person then in his photo. He was also heavier then his photo showed. We sat on bench and 'I" began to talk.
Now, I sat with my body turned toward him. He sat with his body straight out in front, arms on the back of the bench and legs out in front of him. (not a good sign) I asked about his tattoos.... likes and dislikes.... movies.... books... even sports.... After about 20 minutes my efforts to keep up the conversation were becoming exhausting. I inquired about his plans for the rest of the day as I removed my keys from my handbag. Rising I told him it was very nice to meet him and started walking back toward the cars. I said "safe home". He said "talk to you soon". TALK ABOUT WHAT! Didn't we each just drive 30 minutes to sit in a park for 20 minutes with you barely talking? What else is there to say?
I felt somewhat dejected. I called a friend to rehash what had happened then I took myself to lunch. I sat outside a cafe with a glass of white sangria and let it go. I went into this knowing it would not happen immediately. I decided I would ask R. what he thought of me and our meeting. Here's the transcript:
I wore a pretty but casual dove gray dress with a deep V neckline (had to make sure the girls looked good). I topped it off with yellow patient leather slides and a bucket bag of the same color and course D&G shades. I parked and he came over to great me. He was much better looking in person then in his photo. He was also heavier then his photo showed. We sat on bench and 'I" began to talk.
Now, I sat with my body turned toward him. He sat with his body straight out in front, arms on the back of the bench and legs out in front of him. (not a good sign) I asked about his tattoos.... likes and dislikes.... movies.... books... even sports.... After about 20 minutes my efforts to keep up the conversation were becoming exhausting. I inquired about his plans for the rest of the day as I removed my keys from my handbag. Rising I told him it was very nice to meet him and started walking back toward the cars. I said "safe home". He said "talk to you soon". TALK ABOUT WHAT! Didn't we each just drive 30 minutes to sit in a park for 20 minutes with you barely talking? What else is there to say?
I felt somewhat dejected. I called a friend to rehash what had happened then I took myself to lunch. I sat outside a cafe with a glass of white sangria and let it go. I went into this knowing it would not happen immediately. I decided I would ask R. what he thought of me and our meeting. Here's the transcript:
To R.
It was nice to meet you yesterday. While there was no chemistry between us you do seem to be a very nice man. Your much more handsome in person then your pictures show. If possible I'd like to get some feedback. Any info would be appreciated!
Did I not look like my picture?
Dressed inappropriately?
Was I heavier then you anticipated?
Talk too much?
Not interesting?
Older then you thought?
Finding that someone is so difficult. It would help me to know what someone else thinks! Thanks in advance!
To Me:
It was nice to meet you yesterday. While there was no chemistry between us you do seem to be a very nice man. Your much more handsome in person then your pictures show. If possible I'd like to get some feedback. Any info would be appreciated!
Did I not look like my picture?
Dressed inappropriately?
Was I heavier then you anticipated?
Talk too much?
Not interesting?
Older then you thought?
Finding that someone is so difficult. It would help me to know what someone else thinks! Thanks in advance!
To Me:
thank you for the compliment..you shouldn't be so critical of yourself and be happy who you are even if someone dont like you or not, asking all of these questions only opinions of one person and will vary from person to person..just be yourself
To R:
I think you misunderstood my inquiry. I don't suffer from low self-esteem nor do I justify myself through someone else. I simply wanted feedback regarding our meeting. I believe we all have room for self-improvement and my skin is not so thin as to be bruised by an apathetic comment or response. Hell, even at a job you do an exit interview before you leave.
The questions I asked you were questions I've asked the other men I've dated. I think it's good to know how others perceive you. Sometimes you may be sending a message out to the world your not even aware of. I believe in being self-aware...but that's just me.
Best of luck to you Boo-Boo!
The questions I asked you were questions I've asked the other men I've dated. I think it's good to know how others perceive you. Sometimes you may be sending a message out to the world your not even aware of. I believe in being self-aware...but that's just me.
Best of luck to you Boo-Boo!
To Me:
ok..but you cant judge anybody on a first meeting, at least i don't
To R.:
I did not want you to judge me...nor did I judge you. I thought you were cool. You just did not seem interested when we met yesterday and that's fine. I understand your a man of few words. I guess I should not have asked you... Anywho...I'm good. 
That was the last transmission before he went off into that good night... Well dear friends there always tomorrow...(exits singing theme song to ANNE)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Being A Girl
Why is it so much harder and more expensive to be female. In this economy even cutting corners is not enough. Today I had a mani\pani $30.00 incls tip; eyebrow wax $10.00 incls tip; wash & set with blow out $25.00 incls tip equals $65.00 just to look presentable! Why oh why must beauty cost soooo much!
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