Miracles & Blessings
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Fear & Loathing
I once read that your life, as it is in this moment, is the direct result of all your previous actions. It is a simple yet powerful truth. Everything I have done until this moment in time is what has created and nurtured this moment. No matter what area I look at my weight, my income, where I live, my friends, etc., it's a result of my previous actions. Being unhappy within this moment requires that I change within this moment. So many of my issues have been born of my fears. This has caused me to become self-centered, controlling and tightfisted with my life. I tell myself that my choices are made in the moment. The truth is they are calculated to protect me. My life is weighted down with things. They pack my apartment. Which means I can’t accommodate visitors nor do I have the space to entertain. By creating a situation where someone can’t come over I maintain control via a preemptory refusal. My fear is that no one would want to visit or spend time with me. Thus I protect my feelings at any cost. Actions based in fear will never yield happiness. Actions must be based in love, love of God, myself and so on in order to achieve the happiness my heart so desires.
Miracles & Blessings
Miracles & Blessings
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I think that sometimes we do things that we think will make us happy, but in the end only makes things worst. Its hard for me to get close to people due to past experiences, and once I do I always manage to do everything wrong. Of course that is not my intention, however maybe it comes from fear. Fear of them leaving me alone as always so on some level I push them away. Like you I can take a long look back and see all of my actions dictating the place that im in at this moment. I'm feeling as though my world is crashing down on me and there's nothing I can do. I don't like not being in control. At at time when I should be very happy I'm doing well in school, I was recently promoted at my job and yet my distructive behavior continues. On some level I feel like I should be alone because I seem to cause misery all around me.Do I want this to continue? No I don't and I think of myself as a work in progress. With each day that passes slowly I'm getting to know myself a little better I'm not perfect nor will I ever be, my life is what I make it and I'm sure there will be brighter days ahead.
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