I've been neglectful...

It's been almost 3 months since I lasted posted! Where did the time go!

For starters I have had an almost 2 month relationship....ova da phone!!! LMAO There were highs... There were lows... It was pure theater! Lets call him "Fillie" don't ask. Anywho, I met him in chat....don't judge me either! He looked good and he sounds like Tone Loc all rough and sexxy......sorry, my mind started to wander.  There were some "issues" but aren't there always. He said the sweetest things to me and I think it's true women do fall in love through the ears. He felt like a well worn cotton sweater, fresh out of the dryer on a rainy day. I wanted to wrap him around me and be warmed. We talked about everything and I looked forward to his company.

He lives to far for a spur of the moment date but closest enough to meet up on a Saturday. I wanted to meet to someplace neutral (read safe). He wanted to hook-up for a weekend. We made plans and I backed out...twice. The third time proved to be the undoing. We were suppose to meet this coming weekend. He wanted me to take a few days off and meet him in Atlantic City. I declined. He then wanted to come here for the weekend. At first I agreed but then after much prompting from my "friends" I told him he would have to stay in a hotel. He declined. This is what you would call a Mexican standoff. I acquiesced for 48 hours.

Last night we had it out...le sigh. After brow-beating me for over an hour I couldn't take it anymore. My inner good girl went bad and I got the giggles. I told him him he couldn't stay with me and that he was wearing me out with his conversation! Fillie became enraged! Lions & Tigers & Bears! Oh My! It ended with him continuing to over talk me while I told him maybe this entire affair had been a bad idea...just before I hung up. Oh well, on to the next one! Deuces!

Fear & Loathing

I once read that your life, as it is in this moment, is the direct result of all your previous actions. It is a simple yet powerful truth. Everything I have done until this moment in time is what has created and nurtured this moment. No matter what area I look at my weight, my income, where I live, my friends, etc., it's a result of my previous actions. Being unhappy within this moment requires that I change within this moment. So many of my issues have been born of my fears. This has caused me to become self-centered, controlling and tightfisted with my life. I tell myself that my choices are made in the moment. The truth is they are calculated to protect me. My life is weighted down with things. They pack my apartment. Which means I can’t accommodate visitors nor do I have the space to entertain. By creating a situation where someone can’t come over I maintain control via a preemptory refusal. My fear is that no one would want to visit or spend time with me. Thus I protect my feelings at any cost. Actions based in fear will never yield happiness. Actions must be based in love, love of God, myself and so on in order to achieve the happiness my heart so desires.


Miracles & Blessings

Just Me...

I am STRONG because I've been weak, I am BEAUTIFUL because I know my flaws, I am a LOVER because I'm a fighter, I am FEARLESS because I've been afraid, I am WISE because I've been foolish, and I can LAUGH because I've known sadness!!"

~    Unknown

Flowers or Weeds?

"My mind is a garden... My thoughts are the seeds... My harvest will either be Flowers or Weeds" I do not know who wrote that but it is the gospel truth. Right now My garden is all weeds but I can change that. With 2009 coming to an end I have a lot of soul searching to do. Some changes I've made will be permanent and new changes are forthcoming. It's time to look at those around me in the cold light of day and what their actions have been. More importantly, time to look at my own inaction. I need 2010 to be a banner year and I will do whatever it takes to make that happened. No matter how ruthless that may be...

Speaking Truth To Power...

Why is it so difficult to so say the things that need to be said? Last weekend I went to a party and met a guy. Good looking, sexy, great kisser! I will admit he had me feeling some type of way. The best part was ole boy was there. Perfect! Anywho, new guy seemed very nice. We made out like crazy during the party. I'm becoming an excellent warning when I was once such a shining example.  It seemed like a good idea at the time but now he seems to think I'm ready to have sex with him. Did I lead him on? Why can't you have a perfectly good make out session and leave it there? He invited himself to my home yesterday. When I said I would rather meet him somewhere he became defensive. WHY PEOPLE!!! This is all I want to know? Why does any kind of contact with a man make them think it's an invitation to your vagina? I swear I feel like 'm holding onto the last piece of chicken at an NAACP convention. I ask myself why I keep holding out... The truth is I don't want to be left alone in the wet spot. I don't want too separate my feelings. I want all of me to be fully present. That can't happened with a shadow of a man. My loneliness is palpable, my heart is tender. But I could not say any of that. I'm feeling all my emotions and in the end that's a good thing. Why do I have to be sorry I'm not ready to have someone in my home? in my bed? center square in my life without them having earned that position? Why can't I just say that and not be considered a bitch...

But Why?

In my heart I know that God never closes one door without opening another. In my life I want to whine "but why". Why can't things and people just be the way we want them without complications. Why can't I just have what I want? I feel like a 5 year old in the midst of a temper tantrum. the funny thing is that I know some of the things I want are not good for me. I know I should walk away and be thankful I didn't get caught up. But it's hard to have faith that something better will come along. I am loathed to admit I feel bruised that "he" was not interested in me the way I was in him. I really wanted that. But here are the questions that need answers at the heart of it.  Can you really get something started with someone who:

1) thinks your capable of setting them up?

2) indulges in drugs and alcohol on the regular?

3) with a young child who's grandmother seems like more of a parental figure then his father?

4) sends up numerous little red flags during conversations?

I guess the real question is: Do I really have time to waste bemoaning what could have been... wondering why he did not like me? In the end it could be 1 or 100 reasons why... and none of them are really about me.  I took a chance... Spun the wheel... I didn't win... And that's OK. Time to let that one go.

Looking For A Feeling...

Right now I really, really, really want to get high. Not just high but blitzed, bombed, zooted. I want that purple haze. I want to get caught up in it. Feel the music pulsate to the beat of my heart. I want to forget what is and remember what was. What I really want... is a feeling. I want to feel good! Happy! Loved!
I want to feel something different then what I'm feeling right now. Cause right now I feel the opposite of all that ish. Right now I feel lonely, ugly and undeserving. Problem is because I know I'm looking for a feeling I also know drugs and alcohol will not get me there. There is no magic pill for happiness. Even Prozac takes awhile to kick in. In the end I know the only way for me grow, the only way for me to become the women I want to be is to be still in my pain. To learn tolerance. Face it head on and know that it will pass. Sometimes it I feel naked and raw. I'm standing in the middle of storm and I want to let it take me....but I don't let go. 1 1000, 2 1000, 3 1000...breathe.  I won't let go....