O Rly?

Eventually the chickens do come home to roost...

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle~Razzle Dazzle 'em!

I spoke to filly several days ago. His situation seemed to be deteriorating. Everything he said to me seemed to reek of desperation. They had cut off the water to his building. His doctors wanted him to have surgery ASAP on his knee and ankle. He was still deeply depressed by the way I had treated him. AND on it went. A friend I had shared this ongoing saga with found the new chapter to be ludicrous. Actually laughing out loud at the alleged suicide attempt. I thought she was being a little cold around the heart. WHEN WILL I LEARN MY FRIENDS ARE ALL SMARTER THEN ME!!!

Well, today on my way home from the plantation I decided to ring his phone and see if he would answer. He did not. A women did. Here is the conversation:

She: Hel-low
Me: Hello, May I please speak to Filly?
She: He's not available right now. Who's Calling?
Me: This is Eda. Do you know when he will be available?
She: What is this in reference too?
Me: I haven't spoken to him in a few days and I was concerned. Is this his girlfriend?
She: ....hesitation "yes"
Me: Then you can probably answer my question. Is he alright? Is everything OK?
She: laughs...Yes, he's fine. everything is ok
Me: Oh good! well tell him I called and that I'm glad everything worked out well for him
She: OK I Will
Me: Alright gurl...have a good night!
She: You Too!

Did this Ninja think he would knock me off my square with this? Fa Reel? All that nonsense and for what. AND I don't even believe she's his girl! My spidey senses told me from the beginning not to trust this situation. My girls co-signed it. Yet...I stepped over all of that and went straight ahead down that dark ally! Yikes! Sorry Chica's (sad face) Next Time I Won't Be So Head Strong!
LMAO! Love U Girls!

I've been neglectful...

It's been almost 3 months since I lasted posted! Where did the time go!

For starters I have had an almost 2 month relationship....ova da phone!!! LMAO There were highs... There were lows... It was pure theater! Lets call him "Fillie" don't ask. Anywho, I met him in chat....don't judge me either! He looked good and he sounds like Tone Loc all rough and sexxy......sorry, my mind started to wander.  There were some "issues" but aren't there always. He said the sweetest things to me and I think it's true women do fall in love through the ears. He felt like a well worn cotton sweater, fresh out of the dryer on a rainy day. I wanted to wrap him around me and be warmed. We talked about everything and I looked forward to his company.

He lives to far for a spur of the moment date but closest enough to meet up on a Saturday. I wanted to meet to someplace neutral (read safe). He wanted to hook-up for a weekend. We made plans and I backed out...twice. The third time proved to be the undoing. We were suppose to meet this coming weekend. He wanted me to take a few days off and meet him in Atlantic City. I declined. He then wanted to come here for the weekend. At first I agreed but then after much prompting from my "friends" I told him he would have to stay in a hotel. He declined. This is what you would call a Mexican standoff. I acquiesced for 48 hours.

Last night we had it out...le sigh. After brow-beating me for over an hour I couldn't take it anymore. My inner good girl went bad and I got the giggles. I told him him he couldn't stay with me and that he was wearing me out with his conversation! Fillie became enraged! Lions & Tigers & Bears! Oh My! It ended with him continuing to over talk me while I told him maybe this entire affair had been a bad idea...just before I hung up. Oh well, on to the next one! Deuces!

Just Me...

I am STRONG because I've been weak, I am BEAUTIFUL because I know my flaws, I am a LOVER because I'm a fighter, I am FEARLESS because I've been afraid, I am WISE because I've been foolish, and I can LAUGH because I've known sadness!!"

~    Unknown

And So It Goes...

I have a group of friends affectionately known as The Fantanas. One said to me recently that dating is a numbers game. "Look at it this way...these are all practice dates so when Mr. Right comes along you'll be able to tell and be a pro at the first date"

  The past couple of days I've received several texts from D.  I had not heard from him in over a week and said so. He seemed to be under the misconception that he had been in contact with me...O Rly? That conversation ended in a stalemate. The next day he sent me a duplicate text which actually said "duplicate".  Dude....Really? I just couldn't respond. Today I get a text informing me of text to be sent later informing me if he "feels" up to getting together. Again, Dude... Really? I mean... Really? I don't hear from him again until 1:30am  What is that? I know it's not me.

I am clear this is strange behavior. No matter what may be going on in someone's life this is bull. I keep thinking back to what I've been told many times "everything is practice for the real thing".  I have heard it repeated in many different forms over and over again from many different people. I have been blessed with meeting many different men over the past several months. I'm just going to enjoy the ride for now...whatever happens...happens.

Fiending For That Creamy Crack

I have decided to go natural. As an African American women this is a major decision. This is no small part due to Chris Rock's documentary Good Hair. I have gone natural in the past but I shaved all my hair off. This time I'm growing it out. Feeling my roots is difficult. I keep expecting the hair police to hand me a summons. I do intend to keep coloring my hair, maybe even a little lighter. Saying goodbye to the creamy crack (relaxer). will be difficult. However, it's just one of the many changes I'm making in my life. ....just breath.....

Things Happen

So Thursday was very tumultuous for me. That evening I had planned on taking a sleeping pill, along with a hot cup of tea and going straight to bed. Around 12:30 F. called to give me an update on a mutual acquaintance who was going through a crisis. While I was speaking with him D. called. Of course I immediately hung on on F. to speak with D.

He was driving through my area and wanted to stop. He ask what I was doing and if I could meet him. I had on my PJ's but I said "yes". We met at the Diner a few blocks over. After talking for awhile he told me how sleepy he was and need to sleep for about an hour. The idea of him coming to my home was not even a possibility. We sat in the car and talked for awhile longer. He kissed me and laid his head on my breast and fell asleep. I don't know why but for some reason this touched me. I guess because I could never trust someone I don't know enough to fall asleep in their presences. Eventually he asked if their was a hotel nearby where he could get a few hours sleep...and if I would go with him. I did.

I really had not planned to be intimate with him but then again maybe I did. When we got to the room he sat on bed and pulled me to him. It was so natural, as if it were suppose to be him. So I went with it. Well I would like to report that it was lovely but here's where I have to honest. I have not had sex in 12 years. Yes, it seems ridiculous yet..it's oh so true. Despite what people say it is not like riding a bike. Unless your riding a bike with no seat!

It had been way tooooo long since I did it and it hurt like hell. Yes Virgina you can become a virgin again! He needed two shoe horns and a can of WD-40 to get up in there.We did everything... and I mean everything. (Hangs head in shame) I don't know what the hell all this talk about erectile dysfunction is about but it was not a problem for him! After what seemed like forever (lol) it was over. He went to sleep holding me and holding my hand. It was so very sweet. Several hours later I inched out to go to the bathroom, recover my panties and possibly my pride. When I returned he was awake and round two began.

He was very, very good. However I had to come home and take a Moltrin! I don't think I could have chosen anyone better to reintroduce me into the sins of the flesh. The best part... I feel relaxed about him and the situation. I'm not knotted up about it. I'm not stressing it. Whatever happens will happen and that's just fine. ;-)

Speaking Truth To Power...

Why is it so difficult to so say the things that need to be said? Last weekend I went to a party and met a guy. Good looking, sexy, great kisser! I will admit he had me feeling some type of way. The best part was ole boy was there. Perfect! Anywho, new guy seemed very nice. We made out like crazy during the party. I'm becoming an excellent warning when I was once such a shining example.  It seemed like a good idea at the time but now he seems to think I'm ready to have sex with him. Did I lead him on? Why can't you have a perfectly good make out session and leave it there? He invited himself to my home yesterday. When I said I would rather meet him somewhere he became defensive. WHY PEOPLE!!! This is all I want to know? Why does any kind of contact with a man make them think it's an invitation to your vagina? I swear I feel like 'm holding onto the last piece of chicken at an NAACP convention. I ask myself why I keep holding out... The truth is I don't want to be left alone in the wet spot. I don't want too separate my feelings. I want all of me to be fully present. That can't happened with a shadow of a man. My loneliness is palpable, my heart is tender. But I could not say any of that. I'm feeling all my emotions and in the end that's a good thing. Why do I have to be sorry I'm not ready to have someone in my home? in my bed? center square in my life without them having earned that position? Why can't I just say that and not be considered a bitch...

But Why?

In my heart I know that God never closes one door without opening another. In my life I want to whine "but why". Why can't things and people just be the way we want them without complications. Why can't I just have what I want? I feel like a 5 year old in the midst of a temper tantrum. the funny thing is that I know some of the things I want are not good for me. I know I should walk away and be thankful I didn't get caught up. But it's hard to have faith that something better will come along. I am loathed to admit I feel bruised that "he" was not interested in me the way I was in him. I really wanted that. But here are the questions that need answers at the heart of it.  Can you really get something started with someone who:

1) thinks your capable of setting them up?

2) indulges in drugs and alcohol on the regular?

3) with a young child who's grandmother seems like more of a parental figure then his father?

4) sends up numerous little red flags during conversations?

I guess the real question is: Do I really have time to waste bemoaning what could have been... wondering why he did not like me? In the end it could be 1 or 100 reasons why... and none of them are really about me.  I took a chance... Spun the wheel... I didn't win... And that's OK. Time to let that one go.

A Boy Story

What can I say. We met at a party. When I first saw him... I saw everything I liked. We talked and exchanged information. He asked me out to dinner a week in advance. I looked forward to this meeting with...an-tic-i-pa-tion. He choose the restaurant, TGIFridays. Not what my inner princess was use to but I could live with it. We were suppose to meet at 8pm. He arrived at 7:30pm. I arrived at 8:30pm. This was the first flag. Who arrives early? WTF? AND to TGIFridays? Spare me. Things deteriorated from there. He seemed to be annoyed through out the date and I really wanted to leave. Our Table sat four. Instead of sitting across from me he choose to sit catty-cornered. I stuck it out if only for the practice. (Deep breaths...Ou~Sau) When we left the restaurant we walked out at the same time but not really together. He asked what I'd be doing around 2am? "Sleeping why" I responded. He said he had to work that night but thought he could swing by my place on his break. Ninja please!


Well after discussing this with "The Girls" I pretty much wrote him off. Pretty much...but not totally. Over the next several weeks he called me daily. Made me laugh and in a way kept me company. We met for breakfast. This went much better then dinner. We continued to talk on the phone and to my surprise we've become friends. Saturday, after "HE" disappointed me. I decided to go out to a party. He was there. We laughed and talked and overall had a good time. I didn't feel put upon but I felt...safe. When I left he walked me to my car and later called to make sure I arrived home safely. I needed that. Later Wednesday night after my phone conversation with "HIM" this one called me. He told me how beautiful I was. He said I always looked good and never seemed to have an off day. He said when he saw me at the party it made...his nature rise ((lol)). I soooo needed someone to say something like that to me. But of course I recognize game as game.


One of "The Girls" said something to me that was spot on. If you've denied yourself something for a long time, like chocolate and then you have some it's sooooooo good. It seems like the best because you haven't had it for a long time. I haven't had any candy for a long time. So it makes sense it was so sweet to me. Maybe "HE" is the one...Maybe this one is the one... Maybe there is someone else I have yet to meet. There are many more flavors in the sweet-shop and I need to try a few more before I decided what to take home!

So Lovely To Meet You...

After several weeks I finally had a date with R. YEA!!! We agreed to meet at a lovely park half way between the two us. The day could not have been more perfect then if I designed it myself. He was driving a silver Cadillac Escalade ...Oh My! Now I think what you drive does make a statement and I was not sure that this was one I was interested in. No matter, I was going forward.

I wore a pretty but casual dove gray dress with a deep V neckline (had to make sure the girls looked good). I topped it off with yellow patient leather slides and a bucket bag of the same color and course D&G shades. I parked and he came over to great me. He was much better looking in person then in his photo. He was also heavier then his photo showed. We sat on bench and 'I" began to talk.

  Now, I sat with my body turned toward him. He sat with his body straight out in front, arms on the back of the bench and legs out in front of him. (not a good sign) I asked about his tattoos.... likes and dislikes.... movies.... books... even sports.... After about 20 minutes my efforts to keep up the conversation were becoming exhausting. I inquired about his plans for the rest of the day as I removed my keys from my handbag. Rising I told him it was very nice to meet him and started walking back toward the cars. I said "safe home". He said "talk to you soon". TALK ABOUT WHAT! Didn't we each just drive 30 minutes to sit in a park for 20 minutes with you barely talking? What else is there to say?


I felt somewhat dejected. I called a friend to rehash what had happened then I took myself to lunch. I sat outside a cafe with a glass of white sangria and let it go. I went into this knowing it would not happen immediately. I decided I would ask R. what he thought of me and our meeting. Here's the transcript:

 To R.
 It was nice to meet you yesterday. While there was no chemistry between us you do seem to be a very nice man. Your much more handsome in person then your pictures show. If possible I'd like to get some feedback. Any info would be appreciated!

Did I not look like my picture?
Dressed inappropriately?
Was I heavier then you anticipated?
Talk too much?
Not interesting?
Older then you thought?

Finding that someone is so difficult. It would help me to know what someone else thinks! Thanks in advance!

 To Me:

thank you for the compliment..you shouldn't be so critical of yourself and be happy who you are even if someone dont like you or not, asking all of these questions only opinions of one person and will vary from person to person..just be yourself

To R:

I think you misunderstood my inquiry. I don't suffer from low self-esteem nor do I justify  myself through someone else. I simply wanted feedback regarding our meeting. I believe we all have room for self-improvement and my skin is not so thin as to be bruised by an apathetic comment or response. Hell, even at a job you do an exit interview before you leave.

The questions I asked you were questions I've asked the other men I've dated. I think it's good to know how others perceive you. Sometimes you may be sending a message out to the world your not even aware of. I believe in being self-aware...but that's just me.

Best of luck to you Boo-Boo!

 

To Me:

ok..but you cant judge anybody on a first meeting, at least i don't

To R.:

I did not want you to judge me...nor did I judge you. I thought you were cool. You just did not seem interested when we met yesterday and that's fine.  I understand your a man of few words. I guess I should not have asked you... Anywho...I'm good. 

That was the last transmission before he went off into that good night...  Well dear friends there always tomorrow...(exits singing theme song to ANNE)

Will dating be the death of me....

Jacked from reddit.com

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

I don't know who dragonfly is but truer words were never spoken.

I have miles to go before I rest...

I live across the street from my mistakes... next door to drama... downstairs from forgiveness... across the hall from laughter... in the same space with love...

Only God could have gotten me here.

First Meeting...

I need a man...a boyfriend…an S/O! To that end I’ve joined the online dating community. After posting a photo and what I believed to be a very succinct description of who I am and what I’m looking for, I sat back and waited for eligible bachelor’s to flood into my e-mail. Well they flooded and they were eligible. However, I should have added desirable, verbal and forthright to the mix.

R. began flirting with me on said site. He’s tall, sexy, no kids but he is 14 years younger then me! (repeats to self…I am not a cougar). We e-mailed a few times and he asked for my telephone number, which of course I gave him. He didn’t call but we did continue to e-mail. About a week ago he invited me to lunch. We planned to meet yesterday and I was really looking forward to it. I had my hair and nails done and of course a cute outfit!

After checking my e-mail to see if something had change I headed out for the 30 minute drive to the meeting spot. I had selected a restaurant halfway between the two of us. First mistake was choosing a place I was not familiar with. The restaurant was closed for vacation the entire month of August! Some Nerve! I had gotten a parking space right in front and was congratulating myself until I noticed the large sign in the window. Reaching for my cell I realized I’d missed his call… DAMN. Allegedly he had just received a call informing him he had to start work early…allegedly.

There was no sense in wasting the parking space when I could idle at the curb for awhile and add to the carbon foot print. Sooo I began sending out texts to “the girls” (more about them later) regarding my, at least in my mind, horrific experience. Jeez Louise how did we date or do anything before cell-phones, blackberries, computers and debit cards? Well, the texts flew back and forth with the final consensus being…give the guy a second chance. I did call him back (9 hours later). I left a voice mail. He had suggested breakfast on Wednesday. I suggested we have a few phone conversations before making any additional plans.

I did call a second time today and he answered….surprise…surprise…surprise. We spoke for about 10 minutes. During which I asked about his interests ( movies, bowling, sports). He did not ask about mine. I asked about his experiences with online dating…to which he responded. “You have some crazy people and some good people and I’ve met both. Some want to play games, some are gold diggers and some are just plain crazy…you don’t know what your going to get until you actually meet them”. Again, he did not ask about my experiences. I wrapped up the call with “I hope to hear from you soon”. Now, I asked him about his experiences to gauge how girls he's dealing with. To my ear it sounds like it’s been quite a few. Obviously I was not on his “A” list and probably not his “B” list. He never actually called after asking for my number and it took several weeks to plan this meeting. I’m thinking I’m either on the “C” or (heaven forbid) THE D LIST (cue dramatic background music). Yes it does suck to think I might be so far down on the list. BUT I’m guessing his first choices, while shiny, were not gold. While the cream will always rise to the top…it does have to stand for awhile before it separates! Stay Tuned… MUAH!!!!