But Why?

In my heart I know that God never closes one door without opening another. In my life I want to whine "but why". Why can't things and people just be the way we want them without complications. Why can't I just have what I want? I feel like a 5 year old in the midst of a temper tantrum. the funny thing is that I know some of the things I want are not good for me. I know I should walk away and be thankful I didn't get caught up. But it's hard to have faith that something better will come along. I am loathed to admit I feel bruised that "he" was not interested in me the way I was in him. I really wanted that. But here are the questions that need answers at the heart of it.  Can you really get something started with someone who:

1) thinks your capable of setting them up?

2) indulges in drugs and alcohol on the regular?

3) with a young child who's grandmother seems like more of a parental figure then his father?

4) sends up numerous little red flags during conversations?

I guess the real question is: Do I really have time to waste bemoaning what could have been... wondering why he did not like me? In the end it could be 1 or 100 reasons why... and none of them are really about me.  I took a chance... Spun the wheel... I didn't win... And that's OK. Time to let that one go.

Looking For A Feeling...

Right now I really, really, really want to get high. Not just high but blitzed, bombed, zooted. I want that purple haze. I want to get caught up in it. Feel the music pulsate to the beat of my heart. I want to forget what is and remember what was. What I really want... is a feeling. I want to feel good! Happy! Loved!
I want to feel something different then what I'm feeling right now. Cause right now I feel the opposite of all that ish. Right now I feel lonely, ugly and undeserving. Problem is because I know I'm looking for a feeling I also know drugs and alcohol will not get me there. There is no magic pill for happiness. Even Prozac takes awhile to kick in. In the end I know the only way for me grow, the only way for me to become the women I want to be is to be still in my pain. To learn tolerance. Face it head on and know that it will pass. Sometimes it I feel naked and raw. I'm standing in the middle of storm and I want to let it take me....but I don't let go. 1 1000, 2 1000, 3 1000...breathe.  I won't let go....