Give 'em the old razzle dazzle~Razzle Dazzle 'em!

I spoke to filly several days ago. His situation seemed to be deteriorating. Everything he said to me seemed to reek of desperation. They had cut off the water to his building. His doctors wanted him to have surgery ASAP on his knee and ankle. He was still deeply depressed by the way I had treated him. AND on it went. A friend I had shared this ongoing saga with found the new chapter to be ludicrous. Actually laughing out loud at the alleged suicide attempt. I thought she was being a little cold around the heart. WHEN WILL I LEARN MY FRIENDS ARE ALL SMARTER THEN ME!!!

Well, today on my way home from the plantation I decided to ring his phone and see if he would answer. He did not. A women did. Here is the conversation:

She: Hel-low
Me: Hello, May I please speak to Filly?
She: He's not available right now. Who's Calling?
Me: This is Eda. Do you know when he will be available?
She: What is this in reference too?
Me: I haven't spoken to him in a few days and I was concerned. Is this his girlfriend?
She: ....hesitation "yes"
Me: Then you can probably answer my question. Is he alright? Is everything OK?
She: laughs...Yes, he's fine. everything is ok
Me: Oh good! well tell him I called and that I'm glad everything worked out well for him
She: OK I Will
Me: Alright gurl...have a good night!
She: You Too!

Did this Ninja think he would knock me off my square with this? Fa Reel? All that nonsense and for what. AND I don't even believe she's his girl! My spidey senses told me from the beginning not to trust this situation. My girls co-signed it. Yet...I stepped over all of that and went straight ahead down that dark ally! Yikes! Sorry Chica's (sad face) Next Time I Won't Be So Head Strong!
LMAO! Love U Girls!

Speaking Truth To Power...

Why is it so difficult to so say the things that need to be said? Last weekend I went to a party and met a guy. Good looking, sexy, great kisser! I will admit he had me feeling some type of way. The best part was ole boy was there. Perfect! Anywho, new guy seemed very nice. We made out like crazy during the party. I'm becoming an excellent warning when I was once such a shining example.  It seemed like a good idea at the time but now he seems to think I'm ready to have sex with him. Did I lead him on? Why can't you have a perfectly good make out session and leave it there? He invited himself to my home yesterday. When I said I would rather meet him somewhere he became defensive. WHY PEOPLE!!! This is all I want to know? Why does any kind of contact with a man make them think it's an invitation to your vagina? I swear I feel like 'm holding onto the last piece of chicken at an NAACP convention. I ask myself why I keep holding out... The truth is I don't want to be left alone in the wet spot. I don't want too separate my feelings. I want all of me to be fully present. That can't happened with a shadow of a man. My loneliness is palpable, my heart is tender. But I could not say any of that. I'm feeling all my emotions and in the end that's a good thing. Why do I have to be sorry I'm not ready to have someone in my home? in my bed? center square in my life without them having earned that position? Why can't I just say that and not be considered a bitch...

But Why?

In my heart I know that God never closes one door without opening another. In my life I want to whine "but why". Why can't things and people just be the way we want them without complications. Why can't I just have what I want? I feel like a 5 year old in the midst of a temper tantrum. the funny thing is that I know some of the things I want are not good for me. I know I should walk away and be thankful I didn't get caught up. But it's hard to have faith that something better will come along. I am loathed to admit I feel bruised that "he" was not interested in me the way I was in him. I really wanted that. But here are the questions that need answers at the heart of it.  Can you really get something started with someone who:

1) thinks your capable of setting them up?

2) indulges in drugs and alcohol on the regular?

3) with a young child who's grandmother seems like more of a parental figure then his father?

4) sends up numerous little red flags during conversations?

I guess the real question is: Do I really have time to waste bemoaning what could have been... wondering why he did not like me? In the end it could be 1 or 100 reasons why... and none of them are really about me.  I took a chance... Spun the wheel... I didn't win... And that's OK. Time to let that one go.