Fear & Loathing

I once read that your life, as it is in this moment, is the direct result of all your previous actions. It is a simple yet powerful truth. Everything I have done until this moment in time is what has created and nurtured this moment. No matter what area I look at my weight, my income, where I live, my friends, etc., it's a result of my previous actions. Being unhappy within this moment requires that I change within this moment. So many of my issues have been born of my fears. This has caused me to become self-centered, controlling and tightfisted with my life. I tell myself that my choices are made in the moment. The truth is they are calculated to protect me. My life is weighted down with things. They pack my apartment. Which means I can’t accommodate visitors nor do I have the space to entertain. By creating a situation where someone can’t come over I maintain control via a preemptory refusal. My fear is that no one would want to visit or spend time with me. Thus I protect my feelings at any cost. Actions based in fear will never yield happiness. Actions must be based in love, love of God, myself and so on in order to achieve the happiness my heart so desires.


Miracles & Blessings

Just Me...

I am STRONG because I've been weak, I am BEAUTIFUL because I know my flaws, I am a LOVER because I'm a fighter, I am FEARLESS because I've been afraid, I am WISE because I've been foolish, and I can LAUGH because I've known sadness!!"

~    Unknown

Sooooo Big....

My Mom had a plaque on the side of our fridge for years. It read "Lord the ocean is  so wide and my boat is so small". When you see something day in and day out over many years it becomes a part of you. As a young person I never really thought about it. Now I find the sentiment returns to me often. The ocean of life is so wide and I am so small. Life can be so scary and our need to be safe so desperate. We remain trapped in our small, safe, little lives. Maybe it's not happiness but there is such a high comfort level in knowing that things are the same day in and day out. To break from that seems next to impossible. I also at age 48 realize my limitations. There are so many things outside my range of possibilities. Accepting this it is difficult. No matter what I will never have the skin I had at twenty. The figure I had at twenty-two. I do realize that life is a trade off. I've also gained the ability to be comfortable in my skin and to love myself unconditionally. In the end I've gained so much more then I've lost. Thank-you God...