Unforgiven

To forgive may be divine but some people will hold on to anger like they're crushing coal in to a diamond. Sometimes it's not enough to be sorry you have to jump through hoops and submit totally to whatever that person wants. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. Sometimes forgiveness can take time but what do you do when someone says you can never be forgiven.

Recently because of financial constraints I was unable to travel out of state and attend a family members funeral. I apologized and tried to explain my situation but all they could hear was that I was not coming. That meant I neither loved nor cared about any of them especially the deceased. My horrible actions caused me to be marked as the enemy. I was....a bad person. My absence was not only discussed but spilled over for days to include others who had not attended but some how felt they could judge me. The words cut me deeply. The pain felt like blood running from body and dripping onto the floor. I know it's hard to forgive someone when you're in pain but none of that pain was inflicted by me.

I love my family very much and I have always treasured memories of my childhood. As we've grown older we've grown further apart. It has always been my hope that we would find our way back to one another and eventually create new memories. Now I am beginning to understand the real difference between family and relatives. Like everyone else my memories have become more colorful and festive as time has passed. I've held them closed and used them as a talisman when differences arose but not this time. I really stopped, looked at the relationships and I question if they still have a place in my life. If this was all it took for a black line to cross out my name how important was I in your life?

Family is not always the people you're related to by blood and home not always the place where you grew up. Sometimes you have to step outside of your comfort zone and create a different kind of life.  The truth is while I have often been there for members of my family rarely have they been there for me. Were it not for my friends I would have been alone for most of the tragedies I've faced in recent years. The truth is a good person or a bad person is about the values the individual assigns to those words. No one has the right to make anyone feel like a bad person because you can't or won't comply with their request. That's not love. My Grandmother use to say "You don't miss the water until the well runs dry". No matter how infinite love may be it can still dry up. Our hearts can only take so much until you have nothing left to give. I hope that they will eventually let forgiveness into their hearts but I can't let it make me bitter all I can do is give it over to God.