I've been neglectful...

It's been almost 3 months since I lasted posted! Where did the time go!

For starters I have had an almost 2 month relationship....ova da phone!!! LMAO There were highs... There were lows... It was pure theater! Lets call him "Fillie" don't ask. Anywho, I met him in chat....don't judge me either! He looked good and he sounds like Tone Loc all rough and sexxy......sorry, my mind started to wander.  There were some "issues" but aren't there always. He said the sweetest things to me and I think it's true women do fall in love through the ears. He felt like a well worn cotton sweater, fresh out of the dryer on a rainy day. I wanted to wrap him around me and be warmed. We talked about everything and I looked forward to his company.

He lives to far for a spur of the moment date but closest enough to meet up on a Saturday. I wanted to meet to someplace neutral (read safe). He wanted to hook-up for a weekend. We made plans and I backed out...twice. The third time proved to be the undoing. We were suppose to meet this coming weekend. He wanted me to take a few days off and meet him in Atlantic City. I declined. He then wanted to come here for the weekend. At first I agreed but then after much prompting from my "friends" I told him he would have to stay in a hotel. He declined. This is what you would call a Mexican standoff. I acquiesced for 48 hours.

Last night we had it out...le sigh. After brow-beating me for over an hour I couldn't take it anymore. My inner good girl went bad and I got the giggles. I told him him he couldn't stay with me and that he was wearing me out with his conversation! Fillie became enraged! Lions & Tigers & Bears! Oh My! It ended with him continuing to over talk me while I told him maybe this entire affair had been a bad idea...just before I hung up. Oh well, on to the next one! Deuces!

I Shalt Not Fear

As I enter into this new year and new decade I do it afraid. Afraid of all that might be and my potential to really mess it up. There is so much I have to be thankful for. Yet there is still so much I want. My desires seem to overwhelm me at times. My fear of success threatens to pull me under water and hold me there. It's not just about doing the right thing. It's about doing the right thing for me...right now. Feeding my soul and not just my body. Reaching for my own happiness and not feeling selfish while doing it. Following my dreams and not giving a damn who may disapprove. Last year I finally felt comfortable in my own skin. Gave myself the permission to be who I am...authentically.  Sometimes I still fall into the comfort of old grooves but more often then not I am aware of it. I have to make my life happen now...and I will.

Fresh Starts....

The Koru

To the Maori tribes in New Zealand, this spiral design is called the Koru. Mimicking the frond of the fern, it represents the unfolding of new life, hope, and renewal, bringing purity to the world. The Koru is also known to symbolize peace, tranquility and spirituality. It represents humans working together in harmony. And if that isn't enough, the Koru is often associated with nurturing; reminding humans of the strength and love within the family relationship. It embodies everything a conscious living soul needs to be reminded of the good things to hold onto and strive for in life.
For me, this symbol invokes an awareness of personal growth and the potential for new beginnings.

A New Year Has Begun...

"Driving down the wrong road and knowing it, The fork years behind, how many have thought To pull up on the shoulder and leave the car Empty, strike out across the fields; and how many Are still mazed among dock and thistle, Seeking the road they should have taken?"

~ Damon Knight, The Man in the Tree, 1984

Since you alone are responsible for your thoughts, only you can change them.
You will want to change them when you realize that each thought creates according to its own nature. Remember that the law works at all times and that you are always demonstrating
according to the kind of thoughts you habitually entertain. Therefore, start now to think only those thoughts that will bring you health and happiness."

~  Paramahansa Yogananda

Fear & Loathing

I once read that your life, as it is in this moment, is the direct result of all your previous actions. It is a simple yet powerful truth. Everything I have done until this moment in time is what has created and nurtured this moment. No matter what area I look at my weight, my income, where I live, my friends, etc., it's a result of my previous actions. Being unhappy within this moment requires that I change within this moment. So many of my issues have been born of my fears. This has caused me to become self-centered, controlling and tightfisted with my life. I tell myself that my choices are made in the moment. The truth is they are calculated to protect me. My life is weighted down with things. They pack my apartment. Which means I can’t accommodate visitors nor do I have the space to entertain. By creating a situation where someone can’t come over I maintain control via a preemptory refusal. My fear is that no one would want to visit or spend time with me. Thus I protect my feelings at any cost. Actions based in fear will never yield happiness. Actions must be based in love, love of God, myself and so on in order to achieve the happiness my heart so desires.


Miracles & Blessings

Just Me...

I am STRONG because I've been weak, I am BEAUTIFUL because I know my flaws, I am a LOVER because I'm a fighter, I am FEARLESS because I've been afraid, I am WISE because I've been foolish, and I can LAUGH because I've known sadness!!"

~    Unknown