On My Grind

So I have been on my Grind since May 3rd. I was sooooooo happy to get this job and clearly soooooo delusional. This was driven home on Thursday as I watched our Board of Directors, all African American, enjoying a sumptuous buffet of Fried Chicken and Watermelon. Really... I mean...REALLY. I breathed in and breathed out...and with great difficulty somehow maintained my composure.

  ...just dreadful

It's Been A Minute...But I'm Baaaaaaccccck!

It's either one or the other! I have found myself with not 1... not 2... but 3 jobs! All great offers from places I'd like to work. Full-time I have returned to the non-profit sector. For awhile I will also be working part-time with the Census. I still plan to continue my other pursuits as well as my writing (no comments from the cat box!!) I have so much inside of me I want to bring out. I know I can't rest and go with the flow.  Oddly as my professional life evolves my personal life continues to evolve as well. It's been almost a year since I've started dating. I thought what I wanted was a relationship. Now I'm not so sure.

I've been neglectful...

It's been almost 3 months since I lasted posted! Where did the time go!

For starters I have had an almost 2 month relationship....ova da phone!!! LMAO There were highs... There were lows... It was pure theater! Lets call him "Fillie" don't ask. Anywho, I met him in chat....don't judge me either! He looked good and he sounds like Tone Loc all rough and sexxy......sorry, my mind started to wander.  There were some "issues" but aren't there always. He said the sweetest things to me and I think it's true women do fall in love through the ears. He felt like a well worn cotton sweater, fresh out of the dryer on a rainy day. I wanted to wrap him around me and be warmed. We talked about everything and I looked forward to his company.

He lives to far for a spur of the moment date but closest enough to meet up on a Saturday. I wanted to meet to someplace neutral (read safe). He wanted to hook-up for a weekend. We made plans and I backed out...twice. The third time proved to be the undoing. We were suppose to meet this coming weekend. He wanted me to take a few days off and meet him in Atlantic City. I declined. He then wanted to come here for the weekend. At first I agreed but then after much prompting from my "friends" I told him he would have to stay in a hotel. He declined. This is what you would call a Mexican standoff. I acquiesced for 48 hours.

Last night we had it out...le sigh. After brow-beating me for over an hour I couldn't take it anymore. My inner good girl went bad and I got the giggles. I told him him he couldn't stay with me and that he was wearing me out with his conversation! Fillie became enraged! Lions & Tigers & Bears! Oh My! It ended with him continuing to over talk me while I told him maybe this entire affair had been a bad idea...just before I hung up. Oh well, on to the next one! Deuces!

I Shalt Not Fear

As I enter into this new year and new decade I do it afraid. Afraid of all that might be and my potential to really mess it up. There is so much I have to be thankful for. Yet there is still so much I want. My desires seem to overwhelm me at times. My fear of success threatens to pull me under water and hold me there. It's not just about doing the right thing. It's about doing the right thing for me...right now. Feeding my soul and not just my body. Reaching for my own happiness and not feeling selfish while doing it. Following my dreams and not giving a damn who may disapprove. Last year I finally felt comfortable in my own skin. Gave myself the permission to be who I am...authentically.  Sometimes I still fall into the comfort of old grooves but more often then not I am aware of it. I have to make my life happen now...and I will.

Fresh Starts....

The Koru

To the Maori tribes in New Zealand, this spiral design is called the Koru. Mimicking the frond of the fern, it represents the unfolding of new life, hope, and renewal, bringing purity to the world. The Koru is also known to symbolize peace, tranquility and spirituality. It represents humans working together in harmony. And if that isn't enough, the Koru is often associated with nurturing; reminding humans of the strength and love within the family relationship. It embodies everything a conscious living soul needs to be reminded of the good things to hold onto and strive for in life.
For me, this symbol invokes an awareness of personal growth and the potential for new beginnings.

A New Year Has Begun...

"Driving down the wrong road and knowing it, The fork years behind, how many have thought To pull up on the shoulder and leave the car Empty, strike out across the fields; and how many Are still mazed among dock and thistle, Seeking the road they should have taken?"

~ Damon Knight, The Man in the Tree, 1984