Peaceful Journey

Unforgiven

To forgive may be divine but some people will hold on to anger like they're crushing coal in to a diamond. Sometimes it's not enough to be sorry you have to jump through hoops and submit totally to whatever that person wants. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. Sometimes forgiveness can take time but what do you do when someone says you can never be forgiven.

Recently because of financial constraints I was unable to travel out of state and attend a family members funeral. I apologized and tried to explain my situation but all they could hear was that I was not coming. That meant I neither loved nor cared about any of them especially the deceased. My horrible actions caused me to be marked as the enemy. I was....a bad person. My absence was not only discussed but spilled over for days to include others who had not attended but some how felt they could judge me. The words cut me deeply. The pain felt like blood running from body and dripping onto the floor. I know it's hard to forgive someone when you're in pain but none of that pain was inflicted by me.

I love my family very much and I have always treasured memories of my childhood. As we've grown older we've grown further apart. It has always been my hope that we would find our way back to one another and eventually create new memories. Now I am beginning to understand the real difference between family and relatives. Like everyone else my memories have become more colorful and festive as time has passed. I've held them closed and used them as a talisman when differences arose but not this time. I really stopped, looked at the relationships and I question if they still have a place in my life. If this was all it took for a black line to cross out my name how important was I in your life?

Family is not always the people you're related to by blood and home not always the place where you grew up. Sometimes you have to step outside of your comfort zone and create a different kind of life.  The truth is while I have often been there for members of my family rarely have they been there for me. Were it not for my friends I would have been alone for most of the tragedies I've faced in recent years. The truth is a good person or a bad person is about the values the individual assigns to those words. No one has the right to make anyone feel like a bad person because you can't or won't comply with their request. That's not love. My Grandmother use to say "You don't miss the water until the well runs dry". No matter how infinite love may be it can still dry up. Our hearts can only take so much until you have nothing left to give. I hope that they will eventually let forgiveness into their hearts but I can't let it make me bitter all I can do is give it over to God. 

8 Ancient Beliefs Now Backed By Modern Science

8 Ancient Beliefs Now Backed By Modern Science

My Facebook Life

I have often said "Facebook is the Devil!". I have been involved in far to many dramas and misunderstandings to count. I never thought I would become wrapped up in the site but I reached a point where not checking my newsfeed would be like not brushing my teeth. In addition to the status of family and friends I need to know what's going on with pages I like and groups I'm involved with. I recently started a small group for friends titled 100 days to change and my addiction to Facebook was on my list.

Starting on Friday I challenged myself to go 24hrs without arguing or complaining. Not arguing or complaining with another person was difficult but not impossible. Not doing it in my mind was a different story. My Aunt is a true southern lady and when faced with ignorance would respond "Well bless your heart". This is a very ladylike way of letting someone know they're a fool. I might not have let the words pass my lips but I sure was thinking it in my mind! To this end I decided to extend my challenge through the weekend and add to it NO FACEBOOK! (insert look of terror here)

I want to curb my addiction to Facebook and I also know certain posts can make me go full tilt instantly. I have already stopped reading the comment sections on news and entertainment sites because you can't argue with trolls. Arguing on Facebook is different in that you either know the person in real life or at least know about their life online. It makes me crazy when they say something I find ridiculous. Of course everyone should agree with my point of view! To this end I thought I could kill two birds with one stone.

I missed Facebook! It was like my best friend went away without me for the weekend. I would find things online I wanted to share or discuss but I couldn't. I wondered what people were up to? What was being discussed in groups? Jeez Louise! What was I missing???????? I realize now that in some twisted way it has become a friend to me. Facebook is one of if not the person I spend the majority of my time with. I could have called, texted or visited anyone on my friends list but I didn't.  I am much more likely to inbox a friend than place a phone call. It's so much easier to interact that way. We say what we need and respond when we feel like it. The truth is I've become withdrawn.

My relationship with Facebook and it is a relationship is the consequence of many other things in my life.  I have not worked in 2 1/2 years. My workdays were from 9am until anywhere from 5 to 7pm Monday through Friday. Those hours are now for the most part empty. I also have health issues that have kept me from doing things like volunteering. Facebook has given me away to be connected without really connecting. They say acknowledging a problem is the first step. My hope going forward is that Facebook will become a smaller and smaller part of my social life instead of the main focus.

Time to begin again...

For many reasons I've been circling this blog of mine but not posting to it. It's time for me to begin again. I guess I'm back!