NEXT DOOR TO DRAMA

Cause We've All Thought Just This One Time....

2011-06-08T21:42:00.000-04:00

We all try to be responsible. However sometime despite your good sense your body goes into autopilot. He looks good. She smells like sex. The air in the room shifts. One thing leads to the next and BLAM!! Your wondering where in the hell your panties/boxers are? Should you or someone you know find yourself in that position I have lifted this information from the NYU Medical Center website. Hope you never need it BUT someone you know might! ;-p

M*SHP Project 36:00

Please dial (646) 501-5200
to see if you should start PEP (Post Exposure Prophylaxis)
24 Hours / 7 Days a Week

M*SHP Project 36:00 provides free, convenient 24 hour access to HIV medications that may prevent infection after a high risk exposure. You have 36:00 hours after the exposure to take action and start these medications (called PEP) to prevent infection.

High risk exposures include:

Unprotected anal sex
Unprotected vaginal sex
Oral sex with exchange of body fluid

Please dial (646) 501-5200 to see if you should start PEP.

M*SHP Project 36:00 will provide the first four days of medications and will set up an urgent appointment at our clinic for testing and continuation of these preventive medications for the full 28 days required to prevent infection. No matter what your insurance status is we will work with you to make sure that you have access to free or affordable medications to complete the 28 days required to prevent infection. Nothing is a sure thing, but PEP puts the odds in your favor. Comprehensive HIV and STD testing and risk reduction counseling are part of our service. Act now.

THERE IS NO EMERGENCY ROOM VISIT NEEDED TO START PEP.

The clock is ticking. You have 36:00 hours to prevent HIV.

ACT NOW!

Flaws & All....

2011-06-05T21:25:00.000-04:00

No matter how perfect a diamond may appear it still contains flaws. We try to razzle dazzle others with our shine hoping they won’t see our fragility. We don’t realize it’s the messiness, the humanness that draws people to us and eventually draws their love. I am strong because I am weak. Yet even if we love each other despite or because of imperfections how much is too much? Can someone be to flawed… to broken to be loved? Where is the turn off between respecting and loving someone else’s humanity and accepting that no matter how much you may deny it your compassion does have a bottom?

I am not a selfish person but then again maybe I am. I needed him to meet me halfway. To acknowledge both verbally and in actions how he felt about me and if he cared. He wanted me to cross blindly into his territory, with no protection, no compass and nothing to keep me warm. From his words and actions he had known the pain of unrequited love but not love. Maybe not even compassion, let alone passion. I wanted to be that soft place for him to land. But I could not tread blindly into that good night.

Every word I uttered was scrutinized. Every action dissected. Every wise-ass comment was mined until he found the hard nugget of truth. It felt as if the empty spaces and barren places in his life were morphing into a form of abuse in my own. What is the tipping point? My desire for a relationship kept me second-guessing what my spirit kept telling me was true. He was not the one. Even now I question could I have done more and done better? Why was I not willing to dive into the deep end of that pool blindfolded? The answer? Cause my Momma didn’t raise no fool.

Eventually if we are wise we accept that while everyone should be loved it does not mean you have to be the one to love them.

"you are responsible for you own happiness. Happiness never comes from outside of you.

If you put your happiness in someone else's hands, they can always take it away.

Happiness can only come from inside you and is the result of your love" ~ Unknown

Thankful

2011-05-21T10:23:00.000-04:00

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough"

~ Oprah Winfrey

Age-Proof Your Body - Makeup, Skin Care & Hair - Your Look - MSN Lifestyle

2010-07-31T15:00:00.000-04:00

Age-Proof Your Body

Take up to 10 years off with the best anti-aging products and doctor's-office treatments.

By Sally Wadyka

You lavish your face with sunscreen, anti-aging creams, and even the occasional peel, but your everywhere-else skin is lucky to see a little lotion. "Unfortunately, sun damage on your face and body begins to show up as wrinkles, brown spots, and dryness as early as your 30s," says David Bank, M.D., director of the Center for Dermatology, Cosmetic & Laser Surgery in Mount Kisco, NY. And you're not the only one who's noticing. A recent study of women ages 45 to 65 at the University of Göttingen in Germany concluded that body skin was an important indicator of attractiveness and youth. In fact, the researchers found that when a woman's arms and chest were on view, she was perceived as younger than when just her face was visible. To take years off your own upper body (and lower body to boot), read on. Plus, the Good Housekeeping Research Institute picks the best SPF moisturizers.

You Want: More Youthful-Looking Hands

1. Fast fix: For the quickest results, moisturize. "Over time, hands lose some of their fat cushioning and the skin gets less elastic," says Marsha Gordon, M.D., a consulting dermatologist for St. Ives who practices in New York City. "Applying a lotion or cream will immediately plump up skin." Look for a formula with emollient ingredients, such as shea butter, and humectants like glycerin that help draw moisture to the skin. One that fills the bill: Fruits & Passion Shea Hand Butter ($9, fruits-passion.com).

2. Treat it: Slather on a retinoid treatment nightly to help increase plumpness over time. Prescription versions such as Renova and Retin-A (the same formulations you'd use on your face, which cost $100 and up) are the gold standard for building collagen to make skin look firmer, fuller, and smoother. Or see your dermatologist for injections of Radiesse (costs start at around $750 per treatment). "This injectable filler is thick and dense, so it adds volume and hides veins and tendons. Results may last for more than a year," explains Linda K. Franks, M.D., a dermatologist in New York City. Radiesse has not been FDA-approved for use on the hands, but according to Dr. Bank, using it for this purpose is legal and well accepted by the medical community. To minimize pain, an anesthetic is often injected along with the filler. Finally, if brown spots are making you wish you could wear gloves this summer, the best treatments are the same as for your chest — creams that help fade the spots, and lasers or IPL to zap hyperpigmentation away.

3. Prevent it: Hands are sun-exposed nearly every day of the year. "That's why they're such giveaways of age," says Dr. Bank. To prevent more dark spots and roughness, apply a hand lotion with SPF several times daily. Try Boots No7 Protect & Perfect Hand Cream SPF 15 ($14, Target). Keep tubes where you're likeliest to spot them — in your purse or desk, beside the sink — and, if possible, reapply every time you wash your hands.

You Want: A Spotless Chest

1. Fast fix: To cover brown spots, try mineral powder foundation. "It adheres better than liquid, and won't transfer onto clothes as easily," says Denver makeup artist Michael Moore. It's often water-resistant, too, so you won't sweat it off. Still, the best way to avoid staining your clothing is to leave about an inch between the product and the edge of the fabric. Try Physicians Formula Healthy Wear SPF 50 Powder Foundation ($15, drugstores).

2. Treat it: Help fade spots with daily sloughing. Try Olay Total Effects 7-in-1 Advanced Anti-Aging Exfoliate & Replenish Body Wash ($6, drugstores) with niacinamide, a vitamin B derivative shown to help prevent dark spots from forming. Overnight, try a tone-improving 1.5 percent retinol serum, such as Peter Thomas Roth Retinol Fusion PM ($65, Sephora). In-office, intense pulsed light treatments (IPL) cause spots to darken and peel off within a few weeks. Typically, you'll need at least two sessions, at a starting price of around $350 apiece. "But if the whole chest area has uneven pigmentation and lots of freckling, the newer Fraxel laser — which can cover a wider area — is the best tool," says Dr. Bank. On average you'll need two to three Fraxel treatments, at approximately $1,000 each. Expect skin to have some redness and flaking for about a week after each session.

3. Prevent it: Sun protection is the best way to avoid future brown spots. Apply it generously every day that your chest will be exposed.

Next: Learn how to get a more toned butt and thighs — just in time for beach season

You Want: A More Toned Butt and Thighs

1. Fast fix: Slathering on a light-reflecting body lotion can help diminish the look of bumps and dimples in minutes. One to try: Burt's Bees Radiance Body Lotion ($9, drugstores). And to some extent — though generally a minimal one — any moisturizer will help disguise bumps simply by plumping the surface.

2. Treat it: While nothing you rub on your skin will magically melt away cellulite, some products do help in the short term. For the best firming results, look for a product that contains caffeine, such as St. Ives Cellulite Shield Advanced Body Moisturizer ($4, drugstores). "Caffeine causes vasoconstriction, which decreases the fluid content and creates a temporary tightening effect," explains Dr. Franks. More dramatic solutions, typically involving lasers (Vela-Smooth, TriActive, and others), are available at dermatologists' and plastic surgeons' offices. "These devices help to push the bulging fat back into place," explains Macrene Alexiades-Armenakas, M.D., assistant professor of dermatology at Yale University School of Medicine in New Haven, CT. Though the financial (and time) commitment varies from treatment to treatment, most require an initial series of sessions, occasional maintenance sessions thereafter, and a cumulative cost of $1,500 or more.

3. Prevent it: Cruelly, cellulite has the tendency to worsen with age. "This is often due to drier skin, more body fat, and decreased cross-linking of collagen, all of which make the dimpled texture more obvious," says Dr. Franks. But there are a few strategies that may help: Maintain a healthy body weight (yo-yo dieting can make the skin looser) and get plenty of exercise. Walking and stair climbing — or any other activity that targets the glutes — will help build lean muscle mass. Also, avoid salty foods: They cause fluid retention in the deep fat tissues, so dimpling becomes more pronounced, says Dr. Gordon.

You Want: A Leg Up on Unsightly Veins

1. Fast fix: Obscure unsightly veins with spray-on leg makeup or a body-bronzing mist such as Soap & Glory Glow Getter Face & Body Sun Powder Spray ($13, Target). Stand in the tub or shower, as the spray will travel, says Moore. After the first coat, pat legs lightly with a paper towel to take off any excess, then let the spray dry for a few minutes and apply a second coat if you need more coverage. To avoid clothing stains, make sure your legs are completely dry before you get dressed. And though the product is water- and transfer-resistant, you may want to see how it fares with cutoff jeans before you expose, say, your favorite white capris to it.

2. Treat it: "If you have bulging varicose veins, you should be evaluated by a vascular surgeon," says Gordon. "They may be a sign of a medical condition, not just a cosmetic issue." But spider veins — which are small, dilated blood vessels — can easily be treated by a trained physician. A technique called sclerotherapy dissolves veins with a quick injection of saline or glycerin and starts at around $200 per treatment. (Depending on the area to be treated, the price can top $1,000.) "The vessels then collapse and disappear within a month or so," explains Margaret E. Parsons, M.D., assistant clinical professor of dermatology at the University of California, Davis.

3. Prevent it: Support hose will help keep veins from expanding, but won't look so hot with your shorts. One alternative is to elevate your feet whenever you can. And exercises such as rolling up onto your toes to work your calf muscles and keep blood flowing (repeated throughout the day) will help, too. Dr. Parsons cautions against sitting with your legs crossed. "The pressure makes the body try to correct the cut-off circulation by creating new blood vessels — and those can become spider veins," she says.

You Want: Sandal-Ready Feet

1. Fast fix: Painting toes with an iridescent neutral is a great way to make feet look more attractive immediately. Try CND Colour in Gold Chrome ($9, cnd.com for salons). "Golds and other shimmery nudes work with any skin tone or shoe color," says Margaret Miner, owner of ten20, a nail salon in Boulder, CO. Miner suggests using three long, even strokes for each coat — one down the middle of the nail, and one on each side.

2. Treat it: "If calluses are uncomfortable and tough to file down, see a podiatrist to have the skin buildup safely removed," says Marlene Reid, D.P.M., a podiatrist who practices in Naperville, IL. (A pedicurist isn't licensed to use a blade to trim calluses.) Once they're under control, use a pumice or foot file regularly to prevent another callus from forming. "Foot files work better on dry skin," says nail pro Jessica Vartoughian, founder of Jessica Cosmetics. Try Earth Therapeutics Ceramic Foot File ($6, Ulta). Vartoughian also suggests rubbing olive or coconut oil onto rough spots, then donning socks — and leaving the treatment on for at least an hour a day.

3. Prevent it: Regularly massage in an alpha hydroxy acid — containing cream, such as Miss Oops Pedicure In A Bottle ($18, missoops.com), to control the buildup of skin. And whenever you can, choose supportive shoes (most lace-up athletic sneakers fill the bill) over zero-support alternatives such as flip-flops. Another smart strategy: Use insoles for a comfortable fit. When feet slip around inside shoes, calluses are the frequent result.

Daily Sun Defense

Protecting your face with SPF may be a daily ritual, but you probably don't slather sunscreen on your body every morning. Enter SPF body lotions. They claim to provide both hydration and UV protection in one bottle, without sacrificing skin comfort (though they aren't meant to replace your sunblock during prolonged exposure). To find out which ones moisturize best and are most pleasant for everyday use, the Good Housekeeping Research Institute tested six lotions with SPF 15 or higher. In the lab, volunteers' skin-hydration levels were measured before application, after 20 minutes of wear, and again after six hours. These women also used the SPF test product in place of their regular moisturizer for a week. The winner: Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion SPF 15 ($9.49, drugstores), which scored well in the lab for hydration and earned the highest ranking from testers for softening skin without a greasy feel. The runner-up, Kiehl's Creme de Corps Light-Weight Body Lotion with SPF 30 Sunscreen ($27, kiehls.com), also proved to be a good hydrator in the lab test, and was a tester favorite for absorption and skin smoothing. Of the Aveeno, one volunteer reported, "It truly lasted. My skin felt like I had just moisturized it at the end of the day." —April Franzino

Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.

Here are 12 Beautiful older women listed on the blog Hipstercrite

1.) Cloris Leachman- She turned 84 in April and had one hell of a run on "So You Think You Can Dance?"

2.) Ellen Burstyn- this Oscar winning actress, famous for her roles in The Last Picture Show, The Exorcist, Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, and Requiem for a Dream, turns 78 this year.

3.) Diane Keaton- still one of the most sought after actresses working in Hollywood, Diane Keaton turned 64 in January.

4.) Bernadette Peters- this talented singer, dancer, and actress turned 62 this year.

5.) Tina Turner- still singing and still kicking ass, Tina turns 71 in November.

6.) Lesley Ann Warren- this beautiful actress turns 64 this year.

7.) Karen Allen- recently reprised her role as Marion Ravenwood in the Indian Jones Adventures, this actress has spent most of the past decade selling her knits and teaching acting and yoga. She turns 59 this year.

8.) Mia Farrow- this model, actress, activist, ex of Woody Allen and Frank Sinatra, and mother of fifteen turned 65 in February.

9.) Ruby Dee- This stunning actress, playwright, and activist is turing 86 in October!

10.) Julie Christie- famous for her roles in Dr. Zhivago, Shampoo, and Away From Her turns 69.

11.) Beverly Johnson- One of the first popular African American models turns 58 this year.

12.) Stevie Nicks- The lead singer of Fleetwood Mac is 62 this year!

O Rly?

2010-07-30T01:17:00.000-04:00

Eventually the chickens do come home to roost...

Seven Surprising Signs He'll Never Marry You - MSN Relationships - article

2010-07-18T22:07:00.000-04:00

Seven Surprising Signs He'll Never Marry You - By Niki Evans
The tricky thing about womanizers is that they usually have their game down pat, which means it's easy to get sucked in. Here are some of the subtle clues a guy has a case of commitment phobia. If he exhibits three or more of these, watch out.

1. All of His Exes Are "Crazy"
Be wary of a man who refers to his former girlfriends as crazy, psycho, or clingy — because what's the common denominator here? Him. The dude's either looney-bin glue, or he never really wanted the relationship to work in the first place.

2. He Plans Ultra-Romantic Dates
A cozy candlelit dinner is nice and all, but if he only takes you to secluded places, it could be a tip-off that he doesn't want other women to spot him on a date. Next time he asks you out, suggest hitting up a busy restaurant or popular bar and see how he reacts.

3. He's Hot and Cold on the Phone
He'll text you 10 times in a night, then go MIA for days. He'll chat on the phone for an hour, then ignore your messages for the rest of the week. Wondering what the heck is going on? We're going to be brutally honest: He's mostly likely busy dating other women.

4. He Guilt-Trips You
It's normal for a guy to be jonesing to sleep with you from day one. But this behavior is a red flag if he a) lays the pressure on thick, or b) tries to make you feel bad if you choose not to get physical — like by giving you a sob story about how worked up he is without the release of sex.

5. Stuff Is Missing from His Facebook Profile
Has he untagged any photos of you and him? Does he post updates often, yet never mention hanging out with you? Is his relationship status hidden? We smell a rat. A guy who's leery of commitment will make sure there are no traces of you on his page.

6. His Buddies Act Distant
Even though a player's bros may be friendly enough, they probably won't ask you many personal questions about your job, interests, etc. The ugly truth: They don't want to invest time and energy getting to know you because they figure you're not going to be around very long.

7. He Says You're Soul Mates
Okay, we adore the idea of love at first sight — but too much too soon could also indicate sketchy intentions. If a dude comes on super strong right off the bat (we're talking the first couple of weeks), telling you things like that he's starting to fall in love with you, just make sure you play it safe and trust your gut. Those powerful words might be rolling off his tongue so smoothly because he's spoken them so many times before.

SOURCES: William July, Ph.D., Author of Confessions of an Ex-Bachelor and Jenn Berman, Psy.D., Relationship Expert for Cosmo Radio

Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle~Razzle Dazzle 'em!

2010-07-14T21:36:00.000-04:00

I spoke to filly several days ago. His situation seemed to be deteriorating. Everything he said to me seemed to reek of desperation. They had cut off the water to his building. His doctors wanted him to have surgery ASAP on his knee and ankle. He was still deeply depressed by the way I had treated him. AND on it went. A friend I had shared this ongoing saga with found the new chapter to be ludicrous. Actually laughing out loud at the alleged suicide attempt. I thought she was being a little cold around the heart. WHEN WILL I LEARN MY FRIENDS ARE ALL SMARTER THEN ME!!!

Well, today on my way home from the plantation I decided to ring his phone and see if he would answer. He did not. A women did. Here is the conversation:

She: Hel-low
Me: Hello, May I please speak to Filly?
She: He's not available right now. Who's Calling?
Me: This is Eda. Do you know when he will be available?
She: What is this in reference too?
Me: I haven't spoken to him in a few days and I was concerned. Is this his girlfriend?
She: ....hesitation "yes"
Me: Then you can probably answer my question. Is he alright? Is everything OK?
She: laughs...Yes, he's fine. everything is ok
Me: Oh good! well tell him I called and that I'm glad everything worked out well for him
She: OK I Will
Me: Alright gurl...have a good night!
She: You Too!

Did this Ninja think he would knock me off my square with this? Fa Reel? All that nonsense and for what. AND I don't even believe she's his girl! My spidey senses told me from the beginning not to trust this situation. My girls co-signed it. Yet...I stepped over all of that and went straight ahead down that dark ally! Yikes! Sorry Chica's (sad face) Next Time I Won't Be So Head Strong!
LMAO! Love U Girls!

When Life Gives You Lemons!!!!!

2010-07-11T01:06:00.000-04:00

http://www.hulu.com/watch/120840/lemonade

This is a fantastic short film about people who have been laid off or fired. We can truly recreate our lives at any moment!

...or could it be the flimflam?

2010-07-05T19:21:00.000-04:00

Flimflam ~ A trick or deception, esp. a swindle or confidence game involving skillful persuasion or clever manipulation of the victim.

Got Guilt?

2010-07-05T18:37:00.000-04:00

It's difficult enough dealing with your own shit while negotiating through life. Often we accept without question or hesitation the responsibility of caring for others, children, spouses, aged parents, etc.,. Even dear friends who may be unable to care for themselves. We do it out of love. Is there a point at which it's alright to refuse? To say "No". I may have sympathy for what you are going through but I will not except the responsibility of getting you through it?

Fillie attempted to commit suicide. He told his family and the doctors it was my fault. That he loved me and I told him he meant nothing to me. The pain of which drove him to this desperate act. After our falling out in March I did see him on two different weekends. Once here and once at his place. Neither ended well. He is extremely controlling. I do not know him well enough.... have not known him long enough to be responsible for his decision. He wanted to see me but how could I? If he was desperate enough to take his own life might he try to take me with him on a second attempt? I am not willing to take that risk.

I am truly pained and conflicted by all of this. The Nurturer in me wants to care for him...try to heal him. The Realist in me is rolling her eyes thinking I must be insane for even entertaining the thought. I have only known this person for six months and this is to much to ask. My own life is so far from where I want it to be right now. How can I turn my back on myself in order to care for another? Does this make me a bad person? A failed christian? A total bitch? What is the limit? how much is too much for someone to ask of you?

Here is a fable titled: Receiving The Gift Of Limits
~ by Rabbi Edwin Friedman
an excerpt from The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero

Rabbi Edwin Friedman tells the story of a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. After trying many things, succeeding at some and failing at others, he finally decided what he wanted. One day the opportunity came for him to experience exactly the way of living that he had dreamed about. But the opportunity would be available only for a short time. It would not wait, and it would not come again.
Eager to take advantage of this open pathway, the man started on his journey. With each step, he moved faster and faster. Each time he thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; and with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor.
As he hurried along, he came to a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. The bridge spanned high above a dangerous river.
After starting across the bridge, he noticed someone coming the opposite direction. The stranger seemed to be coming toward him to greet him. A the stranger grew closer, the man could discern that they didn't know each other, but yet they looked amazingly similar. They were even dressed alike. The only difference was that the stranger had a rope wrapped many times around his waist. If stretched out, the rope would reach a length of perhaps thirty feet.
The stranger began to unwrap the rope as he walked. Just as the two men were about to meet, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end of the rope for me?"
The man agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.
"Thank you," said the stranger. He then added, "Two hands now, and remember, hold tight." At that point, the stranger jumped off the bridge.

The man on the bridge abruptly felt a strong pull from the now-extended rope. He automatically held tight and was almost dragged over the side of the bridge. "What are you trying to do?" he shouted to the stranger below.
"Just hold tight," said the stranger.
This is ridiculous, the man thought. He began trying to haul the other man in. Yet it was just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.
Again he yelled over the edge, "Why did you do this?"
"Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost."
"But I cannot pull you up," the man cried.
"I am your responsibility," said the other.
"I did not ask for it," the man said.
"If you let go, I am lost," repeated the stranger.
The man began to look around for help. No one was within sight.
He began to think about his predicament. Here he was eagerly pursuing a unique opportunity, and now he was being sidetracked for who knows how long.
Maybe I can tie the rope somewhere, he thought. He examined the bridge carefully, but there was no way to get rid of his new found burden.
So he again yelled over the edge, "What do you want?"
"Just your help," came the answer.
"How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope while I find someone else who could help you."
"Just keep hanging on," replied the dangling man. "That will be enough."
Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.
"Why did you do this?" he asked again. "Don't you see who you have done? What possible purpose could you have in mind?"
"Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."
Now the man was perplexed. He reasoned within himself, If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other man die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt me forever.
As time went by, still no one came. The man became keenly aware that it was almost too late to resume his journey. If he didn't leave immediately, he wouldn't arrive in time.
Finally, he devised a plan. "Listen," he explained to the man hanging below, "I think I know how to save you." He mapped out the idea. The stranger could climb back up by wrapping the rope around him. Loop by loop, the rope would become shorter.
But the dangling man had no interest in the idea.
"I don't think I can hang on much longer," warned the man on the bridge.
"You must try," appealed the stranger. "If you fail, I die."
Suddenly a new idea struck the man on the bridge. It was different and even alien to his normal way of thinking. "I want you to listen carefully," he said, "because I mean what I am about to say."
The dangling man indicated that he was listening.
"I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; I hereby give back the position of choice for your own life to you."
"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid.
"I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug some from here."
He unwound the rope from around his waist and braced himself to be a counterweight. He was ready to help as soon as the dangling man began to act.
"You cannot mean what you say," the other shrieked. "You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me."
After a long pause, the man on the bridge uttered slowly, "I accept your choice." In voicing those words, he freed his hands and continued his journey over the bridge.

Selah

2010-06-29T22:45:00.000-04:00

6 Women To Keep Away From Your Man

2010-06-29T22:13:00.000-04:00

6 Women To Keep Away From Your Man

On My Grind Pt. 2

2010-06-28T01:38:00.001-04:00

Side Eye
Originally uploaded by cre8evetouch }i{

Soooo this week at work we had a fly infestation. Not just the regular warm weather flies. These were the biggest flies I have ever seen. Dead people flies. What in the unholy hell!!! They were the size of thumb nails. Usually this means something dead IS near by. My co-workers think I'm over exaggerating the situation. I don't see how that's possible. AND someone hit my my car. Most likely they had just completed a drug transaction and had difficulty making a u-turn while sparking the crack pipe. I am convince God is trying to tell me something. as in don't get comfortable here! This is a rest stop on my way up the mountain. Do not try to make it into a home!
...I'm listen God....really I am

On My Grind

2010-06-21T23:29:00.000-04:00

So I have been on my Grind since May 3rd. I was sooooooo happy to get this job and clearly soooooo delusional. This was driven home on Thursday as I watched our Board of Directors, all African American, enjoying a sumptuous buffet of Fried Chicken and Watermelon. Really... I mean...REALLY. I breathed in and breathed out...and with great difficulty somehow maintained my composure.

...just dreadful

It's Been A Minute...But I'm Baaaaaaccccck!

2010-06-21T21:14:00.000-04:00

2010-05-14T22:49:00.000-04:00

It's either one or the other! I have found myself with not 1... not 2... but 3 jobs! All great offers from places I'd like to work. Full-time I have returned to the non-profit sector. For awhile I will also be working part-time with the Census. I still plan to continue my other pursuits as well as my writing (no comments from the cat box!!) I have so much inside of me I want to bring out. I know I can't rest and go with the flow. Oddly as my professional life evolves my personal life continues to evolve as well. It's been almost a year since I've started dating. I thought what I wanted was a relationship. Now I'm not so sure.

I've been neglectful...

2010-03-23T20:59:00.000-04:00

It's been almost 3 months since I lasted posted! Where did the time go!

For starters I have had an almost 2 month relationship....ova da phone!!! LMAO There were highs... There were lows... It was pure theater! Lets call him "Fillie" don't ask. Anywho, I met him in chat....don't judge me either! He looked good and he sounds like Tone Loc all rough and sexxy......sorry, my mind started to wander. There were some "issues" but aren't there always. He said the sweetest things to me and I think it's true women do fall in love through the ears. He felt like a well worn cotton sweater, fresh out of the dryer on a rainy day. I wanted to wrap him around me and be warmed. We talked about everything and I looked forward to his company.

He lives to far for a spur of the moment date but closest enough to meet up on a Saturday. I wanted to meet to someplace neutral (read safe). He wanted to hook-up for a weekend. We made plans and I backed out...twice. The third time proved to be the undoing. We were suppose to meet this coming weekend. He wanted me to take a few days off and meet him in Atlantic City. I declined. He then wanted to come here for the weekend. At first I agreed but then after much prompting from my "friends" I told him he would have to stay in a hotel. He declined. This is what you would call a Mexican standoff. I acquiesced for 48 hours.

Last night we had it out...le sigh. After brow-beating me for over an hour I couldn't take it anymore. My inner good girl went bad and I got the giggles. I told him him he couldn't stay with me and that he was wearing me out with his conversation! Fillie became enraged! Lions & Tigers & Bears! Oh My! It ended with him continuing to over talk me while I told him maybe this entire affair had been a bad idea...just before I hung up. Oh well, on to the next one! Deuces!

I Shalt Not Fear

2010-01-02T01:41:00.000-05:00

As I enter into this new year and new decade I do it afraid. Afraid of all that might be and my potential to really mess it up. There is so much I have to be thankful for. Yet there is still so much I want. My desires seem to overwhelm me at times. My fear of success threatens to pull me under water and hold me there. It's not just about doing the right thing. It's about doing the right thing for me...right now. Feeding my soul and not just my body. Reaching for my own happiness and not feeling selfish while doing it. Following my dreams and not giving a damn who may disapprove. Last year I finally felt comfortable in my own skin. Gave myself the permission to be who I am...authentically. Sometimes I still fall into the comfort of old grooves but more often then not I am aware of it. I have to make my life happen now...and I will.

Fresh Starts....

2010-01-02T01:23:00.000-05:00

The Koru

To the Maori tribes in New Zealand, this spiral design is called the Koru. Mimicking the frond of the fern, it represents the unfolding of new life, hope, and renewal, bringing purity to the world. The Koru is also known to symbolize peace, tranquility and spirituality. It represents humans working together in harmony. And if that isn't enough, the Koru is often associated with nurturing; reminding humans of the strength and love within the family relationship. It embodies everything a conscious living soul needs to be reminded of the good things to hold onto and strive for in life.
For me, this symbol invokes an awareness of personal growth and the potential for new beginnings.

A New Year Has Begun...

2010-01-02T01:16:00.000-05:00

"Driving down the wrong road and knowing it, The fork years behind, how many have thought To pull up on the shoulder and leave the car Empty, strike out across the fields; and how many Are still mazed among dock and thistle, Seeking the road they should have taken?"

~ Damon Knight, The Man in the Tree, 1984

2009-12-09T04:24:00.001-05:00

Since you alone are responsible for your thoughts, only you can change them.
You will want to change them when you realize that each thought creates according to its own nature. Remember that the law works at all times and that you are always demonstrating
according to the kind of thoughts you habitually entertain. Therefore, start now to think only those thoughts that will bring you health and happiness."

~ Paramahansa Yogananda

Fear & Loathing

2009-12-06T03:40:00.000-05:00

I once read that your life, as it is in this moment, is the direct result of all your previous actions. It is a simple yet powerful truth. Everything I have done until this moment in time is what has created and nurtured this moment. No matter what area I look at my weight, my income, where I live, my friends, etc., it's a result of my previous actions. Being unhappy within this moment requires that I change within this moment. So many of my issues have been born of my fears. This has caused me to become self-centered, controlling and tightfisted with my life. I tell myself that my choices are made in the moment. The truth is they are calculated to protect me. My life is weighted down with things. They pack my apartment. Which means I can’t accommodate visitors nor do I have the space to entertain. By creating a situation where someone can’t come over I maintain control via a preemptory refusal. My fear is that no one would want to visit or spend time with me. Thus I protect my feelings at any cost. Actions based in fear will never yield happiness. Actions must be based in love, love of God, myself and so on in order to achieve the happiness my heart so desires.

Miracles & Blessings

Just Me...

2009-12-02T22:45:00.000-05:00

I am STRONG because I've been weak, I am BEAUTIFUL because I know my flaws, I am a LOVER because I'm a fighter, I am FEARLESS because I've been afraid, I am WISE because I've been foolish, and I can LAUGH because I've known sadness!!"

~ Unknown

2009-11-22T04:12:00.000-05:00

And So It Goes...

2009-11-22T04:01:00.000-05:00

I have a group of friends affectionately known as The Fantanas. One said to me recently that dating is a numbers game. "Look at it this way...these are all practice dates so when Mr. Right comes along you'll be able to tell and be a pro at the first date"

The past couple of days I've received several texts from D. I had not heard from him in over a week and said so. He seemed to be under the misconception that he had been in contact with me...O Rly? That conversation ended in a stalemate. The next day he sent me a duplicate text which actually said "duplicate". Dude....Really? I just couldn't respond. Today I get a text informing me of text to be sent later informing me if he "feels" up to getting together. Again, Dude... Really? I mean... Really? I don't hear from him again until 1:30am What is that? I know it's not me.

I am clear this is strange behavior. No matter what may be going on in someone's life this is bull. I keep thinking back to what I've been told many times "everything is practice for the real thing". I have heard it repeated in many different forms over and over again from many different people. I have been blessed with meeting many different men over the past several months. I'm just going to enjoy the ride for now...whatever happens...happens.

2009-11-18T17:49:00.001-05:00

Flowers or Weeds?

2009-11-18T17:47:00.000-05:00

"My mind is a garden... My thoughts are the seeds... My harvest will either be Flowers or Weeds" I do not know who wrote that but it is the gospel truth. Right now My garden is all weeds but I can change that. With 2009 coming to an end I have a lot of soul searching to do. Some changes I've made will be permanent and new changes are forthcoming. It's time to look at those around me in the cold light of day and what their actions have been. More importantly, time to look at my own inaction. I need 2010 to be a banner year and I will do whatever it takes to make that happened. No matter how ruthless that may be...

Fiending For That Creamy Crack

2009-11-10T01:06:00.000-05:00

I have decided to go natural. As an African American women this is a major decision. This is no small part due to Chris Rock's documentary Good Hair. I have gone natural in the past but I shaved all my hair off. This time I'm growing it out. Feeling my roots is difficult. I keep expecting the hair police to hand me a summons. I do intend to keep coloring my hair, maybe even a little lighter. Saying goodbye to the creamy crack (relaxer). will be difficult. However, it's just one of the many changes I'm making in my life. ....just breath.....

2009-11-09T02:36:00.001-05:00

Things Happen

2009-11-09T02:18:00.000-05:00

So Thursday was very tumultuous for me. That evening I had planned on taking a sleeping pill, along with a hot cup of tea and going straight to bed. Around 12:30 F. called to give me an update on a mutual acquaintance who was going through a crisis. While I was speaking with him D. called. Of course I immediately hung on on F. to speak with D.

He was driving through my area and wanted to stop. He ask what I was doing and if I could meet him. I had on my PJ's but I said "yes". We met at the Diner a few blocks over. After talking for awhile he told me how sleepy he was and need to sleep for about an hour. The idea of him coming to my home was not even a possibility. We sat in the car and talked for awhile longer. He kissed me and laid his head on my breast and fell asleep. I don't know why but for some reason this touched me. I guess because I could never trust someone I don't know enough to fall asleep in their presences. Eventually he asked if their was a hotel nearby where he could get a few hours sleep...and if I would go with him. I did.

I really had not planned to be intimate with him but then again maybe I did. When we got to the room he sat on bed and pulled me to him. It was so natural, as if it were suppose to be him. So I went with it. Well I would like to report that it was lovely but here's where I have to honest. I have not had sex in 12 years. Yes, it seems ridiculous yet..it's oh so true. Despite what people say it is not like riding a bike. Unless your riding a bike with no seat!

It had been way tooooo long since I did it and it hurt like hell. Yes Virgina you can become a virgin again! He needed two shoe horns and a can of WD-40 to get up in there.We did everything... and I mean everything. (Hangs head in shame) I don't know what the hell all this talk about erectile dysfunction is about but it was not a problem for him! After what seemed like forever (lol) it was over. He went to sleep holding me and holding my hand. It was so very sweet. Several hours later I inched out to go to the bathroom, recover my panties and possibly my pride. When I returned he was awake and round two began.

He was very, very good. However I had to come home and take a Moltrin! I don't think I could have chosen anyone better to reintroduce me into the sins of the flesh. The best part... I feel relaxed about him and the situation. I'm not knotted up about it. I'm not stressing it. Whatever happens will happen and that's just fine. ;-)

2009-11-02T02:50:00.001-05:00

New Beginnings

2009-11-02T02:48:00.000-05:00

New month and a fresh start! I have to start focusing on other things. Number one being my career. Instead of spending my time in chat-rooms and worrying about meeting someone. My dear friend did light a fire under me on Saturday. I am truly thankful for her efforts. Time I would have spent avoiding what needed to done I spent getting things done! There is so much I need to accomplish. It is now week 76 for my plan. I have got to git er done! All my ideas have to come to fruition.

2009-10-31T17:36:00.001-04:00

Speaking Truth To Power...

2009-10-31T17:33:00.000-04:00

Why is it so difficult to so say the things that need to be said? Last weekend I went to a party and met a guy. Good looking, sexy, great kisser! I will admit he had me feeling some type of way. The best part was ole boy was there. Perfect! Anywho, new guy seemed very nice. We made out like crazy during the party. I'm becoming an excellent warning when I was once such a shining example. It seemed like a good idea at the time but now he seems to think I'm ready to have sex with him. Did I lead him on? Why can't you have a perfectly good make out session and leave it there? He invited himself to my home yesterday. When I said I would rather meet him somewhere he became defensive. WHY PEOPLE!!! This is all I want to know? Why does any kind of contact with a man make them think it's an invitation to your vagina? I swear I feel like 'm holding onto the last piece of chicken at an NAACP convention. I ask myself why I keep holding out... The truth is I don't want to be left alone in the wet spot. I don't want too separate my feelings. I want all of me to be fully present. That can't happened with a shadow of a man. My loneliness is palpable, my heart is tender. But I could not say any of that. I'm feeling all my emotions and in the end that's a good thing. Why do I have to be sorry I'm not ready to have someone in my home? in my bed? center square in my life without them having earned that position? Why can't I just say that and not be considered a bitch...

2009-10-20T01:22:00.001-04:00

Sooooo Big....

2009-10-20T01:15:00.000-04:00

My Mom had a plaque on the side of our fridge for years. It read "Lord the ocean is so wide and my boat is so small". When you see something day in and day out over many years it becomes a part of you. As a young person I never really thought about it. Now I find the sentiment returns to me often. The ocean of life is so wide and I am so small. Life can be so scary and our need to be safe so desperate. We remain trapped in our small, safe, little lives. Maybe it's not happiness but there is such a high comfort level in knowing that things are the same day in and day out. To break from that seems next to impossible. I also at age 48 realize my limitations. There are so many things outside my range of possibilities. Accepting this it is difficult. No matter what I will never have the skin I had at twenty. The figure I had at twenty-two. I do realize that life is a trade off. I've also gained the ability to be comfortable in my skin and to love myself unconditionally. In the end I've gained so much more then I've lost. Thank-you God...

2009-10-13T23:18:00.001-04:00

Geez Louise...

2009-10-13T23:12:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess I have not been abused enough. Yesterday and today were just aulful. My back is all jacked up. I feel like someone pounded me...and not in a good way. I was barely able to sit through getting my hair done...the horror! After, I dragged myself through the grocery store. Some guy tried to hit on me in the store? WTF? I can hardly walk and this is what you find attractive!?! I guess this is why I'm alone.

I spent today with my heating pad and my Moltrin. I was just starting to feel better when BLAM Satan hit's me with a side blow. My stalker decides to call. I don't need this right now! The cliff notes version of this is: I responded to an article in Allure magazine about breast size. Of course they printed my name, city and state as is always done with letters to the editor. This guy decides he wants to get to know me and my breasts. I told him if he continued to call this would become a police matter. He stopped but now it looks like he's back. REALLY? I mean REALLY? Who does this?

Anywho, I've decided I cannot sleep with "F". He's hiding something I don't know what it is or why. It makes me nervous. We are not in a relationship and you've made your feeling about that clear. Why lie? Why over explain and account for your whereabouts? IDK

Well... Then... I go onto the devils worksite, facebook and "He" is online. I IM...nothing heavy...just being friendly. I had sent him a video and he says "so it made you think of me huh"? I say "well I think of you anyway but this really made me think of you".... he says "un huh" and logs off... never to be seen again? WTF? This is a grown azz man! It can't be that serious! I'm starting to think maybe I should be by myself...

I had stopped dating because I was unsure of ability to make good choices. Clearly I still suffer from the same affliction. Well... Tomorrow is another day. :-)

Here We Go...

2009-10-11T00:16:00.000-04:00

In 79 weeks I will be 50 years old. I want my life to be very different then what it is today. It so easy to become comfortable with unhappiness. We find ways to make it "OK". We try to convince ourselves there is nothing wrong with our day too day lives all the while knowing there is a deep yearning inside of us. Something struggle to reach the surface of our consciousness. I need to let that break through in my life. Like the lotus bloom pushing it ways through the muck and struggling to break the surface water.

2009-10-10T19:41:00.001-04:00

But Why?

2009-10-10T18:26:00.000-04:00

In my heart I know that God never closes one door without opening another. In my life I want to whine "but why". Why can't things and people just be the way we want them without complications. Why can't I just have what I want? I feel like a 5 year old in the midst of a temper tantrum. the funny thing is that I know some of the things I want are not good for me. I know I should walk away and be thankful I didn't get caught up. But it's hard to have faith that something better will come along. I am loathed to admit I feel bruised that "he" was not interested in me the way I was in him. I really wanted that. But here are the questions that need answers at the heart of it. Can you really get something started with someone who:

1) thinks your capable of setting them up?

2) indulges in drugs and alcohol on the regular?

3) with a young child who's grandmother seems like more of a parental figure then his father?

4) sends up numerous little red flags during conversations?

I guess the real question is: Do I really have time to waste bemoaning what could have been... wondering why he did not like me? In the end it could be 1 or 100 reasons why... and none of them are really about me. I took a chance... Spun the wheel... I didn't win... And that's OK. Time to let that one go.

Wish Upon A Star

2009-10-04T19:10:00.000-04:00

I've always know on a cellular level what I've wanted in life. It's taken years to finally rise up inside of me. Even longer for the words to leave my lips. As a little girl I've always wanted to write. Always wanted to do something creative. Always wanted to do something to help others. I just never felt that I could. It does not matter what others see in you if you can't see it in yourself. A dear friend and I share a constant joke about our fear of success. God forbid things should work out and we could... dare I say it ...be happy. Well that would just be the end of civilization as we know it. How could life continue if both she and I were happy? Sometimes when I think about the possibility of achieving what I want I actually feel physically ill. Yet I have to go forward. I have to try. I have to give this all I have. I don't have time to waist. I have to make my dreams happen now.

2009-10-01T12:10:00.000-04:00

"If your only as sick as your secrets than I am incredibly healthy"

~ Carrie Fisher on The View 10-01-2009

When You Wish Upon A Star.....

2009-10-01T12:02:00.001-04:00

2009-09-25T02:37:00.001-04:00

Looking For A Feeling...

2009-09-25T02:25:00.000-04:00

Right now I really, really, really want to get high. Not just high but blitzed, bombed, zooted. I want that purple haze. I want to get caught up in it. Feel the music pulsate to the beat of my heart. I want to forget what is and remember what was. What I really want... is a feeling. I want to feel good! Happy! Loved!
I want to feel something different then what I'm feeling right now. Cause right now I feel the opposite of all that ish. Right now I feel lonely, ugly and undeserving. Problem is because I know I'm looking for a feeling I also know drugs and alcohol will not get me there. There is no magic pill for happiness. Even Prozac takes awhile to kick in. In the end I know the only way for me grow, the only way for me to become the women I want to be is to be still in my pain. To learn tolerance. Face it head on and know that it will pass. Sometimes it I feel naked and raw. I'm standing in the middle of storm and I want to let it take me....but I don't let go. 1 1000, 2 1000, 3 1000...breathe. I won't let go....

2009-09-18T22:42:00.001-04:00

A Boy Story

2009-09-18T22:38:00.000-04:00

What can I say. We met at a party. When I first saw him... I saw everything I liked. We talked and exchanged information. He asked me out to dinner a week in advance. I looked forward to this meeting with...an-tic-i-pa-tion. He choose the restaurant, TGIFridays. Not what my inner princess was use to but I could live with it. We were suppose to meet at 8pm. He arrived at 7:30pm. I arrived at 8:30pm. This was the first flag. Who arrives early? WTF? AND to TGIFridays? Spare me. Things deteriorated from there. He seemed to be annoyed through out the date and I really wanted to leave. Our Table sat four. Instead of sitting across from me he choose to sit catty-cornered. I stuck it out if only for the practice. (Deep breaths...Ou~Sau) When we left the restaurant we walked out at the same time but not really together. He asked what I'd be doing around 2am? "Sleeping why" I responded. He said he had to work that night but thought he could swing by my place on his break. Ninja please!

Well after discussing this with "The Girls" I pretty much wrote him off. Pretty much...but not totally. Over the next several weeks he called me daily. Made me laugh and in a way kept me company. We met for breakfast. This went much better then dinner. We continued to talk on the phone and to my surprise we've become friends. Saturday, after "HE" disappointed me. I decided to go out to a party. He was there. We laughed and talked and overall had a good time. I didn't feel put upon but I felt...safe. When I left he walked me to my car and later called to make sure I arrived home safely. I needed that. Later Wednesday night after my phone conversation with "HIM" this one called me. He told me how beautiful I was. He said I always looked good and never seemed to have an off day. He said when he saw me at the party it made...his nature rise ((lol)). I soooo needed someone to say something like that to me. But of course I recognize game as game.

One of "The Girls" said something to me that was spot on. If you've denied yourself something for a long time, like chocolate and then you have some it's sooooooo good. It seems like the best because you haven't had it for a long time. I haven't had any candy for a long time. So it makes sense it was so sweet to me. Maybe "HE" is the one...Maybe this one is the one... Maybe there is someone else I have yet to meet. There are many more flavors in the sweet-shop and I need to try a few more before I decided what to take home!

2009-09-17T23:02:00.001-04:00

2009-09-17T02:28:00.001-04:00

24 Hours Later...

2009-09-17T02:27:00.000-04:00

Well this sucks. 24 hours later and I'm done. After yesterday's happiness my balloon has deflated. After our date my thoughts returned to him throughout the day and night. I told myself don't think about it. Don't get caught up but it felt so warm and I wanted it so much. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. He texted me this morning: "Good Morning! How are you today? I'm tired". To which I replied: "Hey you! :-) I'm very good! you better drink a red bull and keep it moving! lol". I thought about him and that kiss for the next several minutes and decided to make a bold move. Eleven minutes later I sent: " Call me tonight when your done. I can't stop thinking about you". Nine hours and twenty-four minutes later he called. I was still excited (foolish girl). He told me he was very tired and proceeded to punctuate each sentence with a yawn, through-out the 26m 33s conversation. We talked about the mundane for the majority of time. Finally I said "Did you get my text? I thought about you all day". To which he replied "Well thank-you that's a nice compliment" WTF? Ninja I could get more enthusiasm from the guy who details my car! "so did you enjoy our time together yesterday" I say. He says "Yes, I did"...Well Alrighty Then... Soooo not wanting to stop at just a surface injury I pushed the knife deeper into my chest. I ask "So was I what you expected"? AND HE SAYS "I had no expectations...did I ever ask you what you look liked". There was a very pregnant pause, then he says "you gotta think about that for a minute huh". I said "No, I just thought you had something to add" Now I'm thinking let me end this conversation so I can apply some pressure to this wound. We say goodbye. I guess he's just not that into me. I can't play these reindeer games....back under the bridge with the rest of the trolls.

2009-09-16T00:00:00.001-04:00

First Kiss

2009-09-15T23:55:00.000-04:00

Today I met my husband. That sounds crazy! I am feeling things I have not felt in a long time. But I digress. When I started dating again I prayed that God would send me the man most devinely meant for me. I did not and still don't want the decision to be mine. I've gone with my best choice in the past and it didn't really work out, to say the least. This time I want more then the physical and few things in common. I want an affinity, a soft place too land, a bit of grace. Someone who respects my dignity as a women. A man who compliments my spirit. I want someone that after the unavoidable drama and messiness of life will still be there for the love. Someone who despite a difference of opinion will tread litely with my feelings. Someone who gets me and when he doesn't is OK with that.

After posting my profile online I received my fair share of hits. Most of which dead ended. My plan was to start with one site to get my feet wet. I then planned to jump to a larger more expansive site. Early on I received a hit from someone I found attractive. We chatted back and forth but eventually it fizzled out. I chalked it up to a lesson learned. Then a few weeks ago we chatted through IM. The conversation was quick and easy. We exchanged cell numbers and talked about getting together. Our conversations were so casual I told him if we had no chemistry I had friends I could introduce him to. We decided to do a group activity. I would bring a friend and so would he.

As the days past leading up to our meeting I found myself looking forward to it and I hoped he would like me. We had planned to attend an outdoor event in my area. The morning of I conferred with my girlfriend on outfits to make sure we were not dressed the same. When I checked my phone I had a text from him saying "can't make it". My feelings were hurt. I spent the next hour on the phone with my girlfriend discussing men and the situation as well as texting updates to the girls. Hey, that's how we roll! He called in the midst of this. With my friend on the house phone I put him on speaker. He said his friend had backed out and he did not want to come alone. He went on to say he did not know what he'd be walking into and he didn't want to get jumped. WTF!?!?! I was quiet which he knew was a bad sign. We spoke briefly and I asked if he still wanted to meet me? He said yes. I told him I'd call him back. This led to another hour conversation and several more texts with the girls. Then I got mad.

I had to throw down the gauntlet. I would drive to him! Despite the protest of the girls I could not let this slight stand. Again with my girlfriend on my home phone I called him back from my cell and put him on speaker. I made my proposal. He said he would meet me in the middle. We talked and he said he had made the wrong decision and still wanted to meet up that day. I said "NO" it was too late. we would meet for lunch on Tuesday. He tried three times to change back to the original plan but I held fast. We talked the day before and of course the girls questioned if I should really go. But there was something about him. Something I wanted to know. I was...feeling him.

Well today was the BIG EVENT! I kept checking my phone expecting him to cancel but he didn't. We had plans to meet at noon. He was there at 11:30. When he got out of his car I liked what I saw and he seemed to like me. The place we met for lunch was so very cute! We sat at a table and the conversation was very easy. I had several wardrobe malfunctions (my boobs were falling out of my dress...Oh My). He seemed to enjoy the view but I was mortified! I enjoyed his company and when we finished he walked me to my car. We talked for a few more minutes and then he did something I loved. With one hand he pulled me toward him and with the other he tilted my face toward his and kissed me. It was so sweet and so sensual...then he stuck his tongue in my mouth! and tramp that I am...I accepted it. He actually gave me butterflies. I was 16 years old again. I wanted to go home and write his name inside little hearts all over my notebook. I wanted to see what my name looked liked with his. I realized I could sooooooooo fall in love with him. Damn...

To Forgive Is Divine...

2009-09-09T02:08:00.000-04:00

As children we learn forgiveness. That people are basically good. You must learn to forgive and hopefully forget. But what happens when you can't. I remember reading something about your heart being stronger at the broken places. It may be true but stronger does not mean better. I have been trying to forgive several family members for a very long time. I've asked God to lift this burden off me. When I am fully conscious and focused I'm able to take the higher ground. When I'm caught off guard my gut reaction goes right to hatred.

My Aunt, Uncle and their four children grew up around the block from me. As far back as I can remember our relationships have been fraught with abuses of one kind or another. Sexual abuse including rape. Physical abuse. Psychological torture. The list goes on. Ironically one of my abusers is now a high profile Minister. I often wonder what people would think if they knew what he did to me and others. No need to worry about the bogey man or something under the bed. They were the real life monsters of my childhood. Yet as an only child I craved their attention, their affection, I wanted them to love me no matter what the price. As I grew older I found both my strength and my voice. I learned to fight back and rally against them.

By age 18 we moved and our contact lessened. Amazingly it would take almost another two decades before I could finally sever them from my life. Yet there was always a part of me that yearned for that idealized relationship I craved as a child. It's like looking at that Norman Rockwell painting "Freedom From Want" who doesn't want that feeling? Ultimately it's about being loved for who you are and maybe more importantly despite who your not. Still the mention of their names cause my emotions to tangled like snakes. I gird my loins at the possibility of be in their company.

Last year my Aunt (my Mothers Sister) passed away. I did not want to attend her funeral. Out of respect for my Mothers memory and caving to pressure from other family members I attended. Now my Uncle is doing poorly and he may die at any time. I want to say "good" but I will not. This tidbit was relayed with great concern to me by another family member. AND NOW WHAT!?! Aren't funerals about honoring the life of the deceased? Why should I pay homage to someone who abused me? Everything is not alright... In some ways I am still not all right.

So many times I hear myself say I'm tired. What I really mean is I'm tired of people trying to force me into the box they've checked for me. Tired of love given with conditions attached. Tired of not feeling worthy. Tired of repressing and depressing parts of myself to oblige others. Truth is the person I really need to forgive is myself.

2009-09-06T03:00:00.001-04:00

Love Sucks....

So Lovely To Meet You...

2009-09-06T02:40:00.000-04:00

After several weeks I finally had a date with R. YEA!!! We agreed to meet at a lovely park half way between the two us. The day could not have been more perfect then if I designed it myself. He was driving a silver Cadillac Escalade ...Oh My! Now I think what you drive does make a statement and I was not sure that this was one I was interested in. No matter, I was going forward.

I wore a pretty but casual dove gray dress with a deep V neckline (had to make sure the girls looked good). I topped it off with yellow patient leather slides and a bucket bag of the same color and course D&G shades. I parked and he came over to great me. He was much better looking in person then in his photo. He was also heavier then his photo showed. We sat on bench and 'I" began to talk.

Now, I sat with my body turned toward him. He sat with his body straight out in front, arms on the back of the bench and legs out in front of him. (not a good sign) I asked about his tattoos.... likes and dislikes.... movies.... books... even sports.... After about 20 minutes my efforts to keep up the conversation were becoming exhausting. I inquired about his plans for the rest of the day as I removed my keys from my handbag. Rising I told him it was very nice to meet him and started walking back toward the cars. I said "safe home". He said "talk to you soon". TALK ABOUT WHAT! Didn't we each just drive 30 minutes to sit in a park for 20 minutes with you barely talking? What else is there to say?

I felt somewhat dejected. I called a friend to rehash what had happened then I took myself to lunch. I sat outside a cafe with a glass of white sangria and let it go. I went into this knowing it would not happen immediately. I decided I would ask R. what he thought of me and our meeting. Here's the transcript:

To R.
It was nice to meet you yesterday. While there was no chemistry between us you do seem to be a very nice man. Your much more handsome in person then your pictures show. If possible I'd like to get some feedback. Any info would be appreciated!

Did I not look like my picture?
Dressed inappropriately?
Was I heavier then you anticipated?
Talk too much?
Not interesting?
Older then you thought?

Finding that someone is so difficult. It would help me to know what someone else thinks! Thanks in advance!

To Me:

thank you for the compliment..you shouldn't be so critical of yourself and be happy who you are even if someone dont like you or not, asking all of these questions only opinions of one person and will vary from person to person..just be yourself

To R:

I think you misunderstood my inquiry. I don't suffer from low self-esteem nor do I justify myself through someone else. I simply wanted feedback regarding our meeting. I believe we all have room for self-improvement and my skin is not so thin as to be bruised by an apathetic comment or response. Hell, even at a job you do an exit interview before you leave.

The questions I asked you were questions I've asked the other men I've dated. I think it's good to know how others perceive you. Sometimes you may be sending a message out to the world your not even aware of. I believe in being self-aware...but that's just me.

Best of luck to you Boo-Boo!

To Me:

ok..but you cant judge anybody on a first meeting, at least i don't

To R.:

I did not want you to judge me...nor did I judge you. I thought you were cool. You just did not seem interested when we met yesterday and that's fine. I understand your a man of few words. I guess I should not have asked you... Anywho...I'm good.

That was the last transmission before he went off into that good night... Well dear friends there always tomorrow...(exits singing theme song to ANNE)

Being A Girl

2009-09-03T01:57:00.000-04:00

Why is it so much harder and more expensive to be female. In this economy even cutting corners is not enough. Today I had a mani\pani $30.00 incls tip; eyebrow wax $10.00 incls tip; wash & set with blow out $25.00 incls tip equals $65.00 just to look presentable! Why oh why must beauty cost soooo much!

2009-09-03T01:45:00.000-04:00

What is drama but life with the dull bits cut out.
Alfred Hitchcock

2009-08-31T16:15:00.000-04:00

Just one of those days....

2009-08-30T01:29:00.001-04:00

Sisterhood

2009-08-29T00:07:00.000-04:00

January may be the beginning of a new year but there is something about September. The ending of summer and the promise of re-invigoration ahead. While my school days are far behind me I still think of September as a fresh start (minus paste & rubber glue). With that in mind I've started my search for funding, a job, some sort of income to keep me a float.

I received a letter that said as part of the stimulus package there was money available for schools and training. Looking to take advantage I went to social services today. There were two other women ahead of me. One was reserved, well put together, reading a magazine. The other.... well that was a different story. She appeared to have just been released from somewhere. She began talking to no one in particular about her children, their different fathers and how she was trying to get her life together. I was deeply engrossed in organizing the contents of my handbag.

The receptionist informed her she needed an appointment and would have to return. Well outrage does not begin to describe her reaction! I silently prayed I would not be hit with a flying object...not having health insurance and all. She left, only to return minutes later. She then began to spill all the sordid details of her life to the other women and myself. Why? I don't know. Clearly I was involved in the fine art of coin arrangement and the other women was engrossed in an article about orthotics.

She believed she was being treated unfairly. We as women have to stick together. We can't let the system take advantage of us. Of us? This chick would not have given me the time of day in an ordinary social setting. Unless it was to make fun of my shoes and\or handbag! Now that she's having a problem were all in it together. Yeah...Right I truly wish people would miss me with their pretense.

(I have to return for a follow-up appointment on the 8th...fingers crossed!)

2009-08-28T00:26:00.000-04:00

Mother said there would be days like this....

Will dating be the death of me....

2009-08-25T01:02:00.000-04:00

Jacked from reddit.com

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

I don't know who dragonfly is but truer words were never spoken.

I have miles to go before I rest...

2009-08-20T04:26:00.000-04:00

I live across the street from my mistakes... next door to drama... downstairs from forgiveness... across the hall from laughter... in the same space with love...

Only God could have gotten me here.

2009-08-19T21:15:00.000-04:00

Oy Vey... It's true! Some days it's not worth biting through the restraints. A friend called me today, very upset. Her mother had been arrested (yes, it does sound crazy). Apparently some gentleman did not see her for the delicate flower she is. He then attempted too trample through her garden...oh my! As any belle would do when the gates of her virtue are being assailed she fought back. Sadly, he was pummeled and was last seen heading toward the Medical Center. Once the boys in blue showed up they took her Mom into custody? I can only assume her resemblance to a prize fighter had something to do with it. Now she is my friend and I wanted to be sympathetic but I had to put a pillow to my face to keep from laughing in the phone. Oh well...the drama continues.

2009-08-19T00:20:00.000-04:00

First Meeting...

2009-08-19T00:06:00.000-04:00

I need a man...a boyfriend…an S/O! To that end I’ve joined the online dating community. After posting a photo and what I believed to be a very succinct description of who I am and what I’m looking for, I sat back and waited for eligible bachelor’s to flood into my e-mail. Well they flooded and they were eligible. However, I should have added desirable, verbal and forthright to the mix.

R. began flirting with me on said site. He’s tall, sexy, no kids but he is 14 years younger then me! (repeats to self…I am not a cougar). We e-mailed a few times and he asked for my telephone number, which of course I gave him. He didn’t call but we did continue to e-mail. About a week ago he invited me to lunch. We planned to meet yesterday and I was really looking forward to it. I had my hair and nails done and of course a cute outfit!

After checking my e-mail to see if something had change I headed out for the 30 minute drive to the meeting spot. I had selected a restaurant halfway between the two of us. First mistake was choosing a place I was not familiar with. The restaurant was closed for vacation the entire month of August! Some Nerve! I had gotten a parking space right in front and was congratulating myself until I noticed the large sign in the window. Reaching for my cell I realized I’d missed his call… DAMN. Allegedly he had just received a call informing him he had to start work early…allegedly.

There was no sense in wasting the parking space when I could idle at the curb for awhile and add to the carbon foot print. Sooo I began sending out texts to “the girls” (more about them later) regarding my, at least in my mind, horrific experience. Jeez Louise how did we date or do anything before cell-phones, blackberries, computers and debit cards? Well, the texts flew back and forth with the final consensus being…give the guy a second chance. I did call him back (9 hours later). I left a voice mail. He had suggested breakfast on Wednesday. I suggested we have a few phone conversations before making any additional plans.

I did call a second time today and he answered….surprise…surprise…surprise. We spoke for about 10 minutes. During which I asked about his interests ( movies, bowling, sports). He did not ask about mine. I asked about his experiences with online dating…to which he responded. “You have some crazy people and some good people and I’ve met both. Some want to play games, some are gold diggers and some are just plain crazy…you don’t know what your going to get until you actually meet them”. Again, he did not ask about my experiences. I wrapped up the call with “I hope to hear from you soon”. Now, I asked him about his experiences to gauge how girls he's dealing with. To my ear it sounds like it’s been quite a few. Obviously I was not on his “A” list and probably not his “B” list. He never actually called after asking for my number and it took several weeks to plan this meeting. I’m thinking I’m either on the “C” or (heaven forbid) THE D LIST (cue dramatic background music). Yes it does suck to think I might be so far down on the list. BUT I’m guessing his first choices, while shiny, were not gold. While the cream will always rise to the top…it does have to stand for awhile before it separates! Stay Tuned… MUAH!!!!

2009-08-16T02:13:00.000-04:00

Jeez Louise...my first post! It's 2:14am and as usual I am awake. I don't know if it's a symptom of age or simply restlessness but I find it difficult to allow myself to sleep. This is the week I take up the gauntlet! I have at least one date planned. I will set aside time to write my book, etc. Ready...Set...Go!

2009-08-13T01:44:00.001-04:00

NEXT DOOR TO DRAMA

Cause We've All Thought Just This One Time....

M*SHP Project 36:00

Please dial (646) 501-5200 to see if you should start PEP (Post Exposure Prophylaxis)24 Hours / 7 Days a Week

Flaws & All....

Thankful

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough"

Age-Proof Your Body - Makeup, Skin Care & Hair - Your Look - MSN Lifestyle

O Rly?

Seven Surprising Signs He'll Never Marry You - MSN Relationships - article

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle~Razzle Dazzle 'em!

When Life Gives You Lemons!!!!!

...or could it be the flimflam?

Got Guilt?

6 Women To Keep Away From Your Man

On My Grind Pt. 2

On My Grind

It's Been A Minute...But I'm Baaaaaaccccck!

I've been neglectful...

I Shalt Not Fear

Fresh Starts....

The Koru

A New Year Has Begun...

Fear & Loathing

Just Me...

And So It Goes...

Flowers or Weeds?

Fiending For That Creamy Crack

Things Happen

New Beginnings

Speaking Truth To Power...

Sooooo Big....

Geez Louise...

Here We Go...

But Why?

Wish Upon A Star

When You Wish Upon A Star.....

Looking For A Feeling...

A Boy Story

24 Hours Later...

First Kiss

To Forgive Is Divine...

So Lovely To Meet You...

Being A Girl

Sisterhood

Will dating be the death of me....

First Meeting...

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